I have always been tall. Tall enough for work colleagues to question whether I really needed to wear those heels. Tall enough to be asked to reach things down from the top shelf in supermarket aisles. Perhaps as a result of having my height constantly drawn to my attention - as though I somehow failed to notice it during the thirty odd years I have … [Read more...]
Grief Blooming
February 25, 2013 by Leave a Comment
This time of the year is my season. I am yearning for summer, when all this will be behind me again. But today, I'm feeling it. The weight. The heaviness. The scar. The cloud of grief. It's always there, but this time of year, I've come to learn over the years, it becomes raw again. It's almost like grief blooming. How bitterly ironic, don't you … [Read more...]
What I need
February 21, 2013 by 19 Comments
I have never been good at telling others what I need. Losing my daughter complicated my ability to ask for help rather than sharpening it. If I could have given myself one thing to get me through, when I stopped answering the phone and hoped no one would stop by, it would have been a voice to tell those closest to me what I will need most to get … [Read more...]
Decisions, decisions
January 18, 2013 by 10 Comments
The life of a parent is one full of decisions. Some, their brows puckered with concentration, painstakingly riffling through books about organic food and educational methods. Choosing the best pram, sling, buggy, nursery, school, university, career path. Plotting a course decades into the future for a child barely even born yet. So careful and … [Read more...]
Coping With the Holidays
December 20, 2012 by 3 Comments
The first Christmas after we lost our daughter I successfully pretended the holidays did not exist. Hiding inside our home, ignoring the phone and invitations for gatherings was perfectly acceptable. No one knew what to say to me anyway. The second Christmas we attended one small family event. We exchanged gifts with our immediate family and … [Read more...]
What the Anniversaries Look Like for Baby Loss Moms
December 6, 2012 by 9 Comments
We all have them. The day the doctor told you there was no heart beat. The day you took him off life support. The day you found your baby not breathing. The day you thought your world ended. Your baby's angel day. Your baby's death day. That "other anniversary." Whatever you might call it. Today is that day for me. December 6, 2009 I … [Read more...]
Every Day Might As Well Be A Birthday…
November 28, 2012 by 25 Comments
Today is my little boy’s birthday. Three years ago, I heard my amazing doctor begging the sweet nurses around me to get me to the OR, FAST. She was 8 ½ months pregnant herself, and I knew things were not great when she began pushing my bed as fast as she could to the OR for an emergency C-section. Labor had gone on for almost 24 hours, and … [Read more...]
Holiday Survival
November 15, 2012 by 3 Comments
I am not good at holidays. In the five years since my daughter passed I have yet to figure out what to do with them. Surely in that book I never received on how to react after you lose a child there is a chapter on the day and time in which holidays become tolerable. The first year after we lost Hadley I expertly pretended each and every holiday … [Read more...]
I Would Still Choose You…
October 10, 2012 by 25 Comments
If I could, I would go back in time. I would endure the sickness, the weakness and the worry. I would go through all the scans and invasive medical procedures. I would be given hope, then false hope, then no hope at all, all over again. I would struggle through the labor and the humiliation of my placenta not budging from my womb. I would … [Read more...]
All that remains
July 13, 2012 by 33 Comments
It's summer again. I always used to love the heat, the flowers, the bright green of the grass and trees against the blue of the English summertime sky. When we're lucky and it isn't raining. Again. But now. Now, it is a bittersweet time of year. Reminding me of the final days of my pregnancy. As the seasons change, I return, unerringly, to the … [Read more...]
