My son should be turning seven. Seven. So far I've survived five of his birthdays without him. Five. He was killed when he was two. Two. It doesn't add up. It hasn't since the day he was violently robbed from me and it never will. Just thinking about another birthday without him makes me want to crawl into my bed and never come … [Read more...]
In the beginning it was the minutes, the hours, the months. I tried to remember every detail, the weight of her in my arms, the almost-blue of her eyes, the shape of her eyelids as they closed. I felt panic rise as the days passed and memories blurred, I couldn't forget a thing. She was my daughter. I wouldn't. Repeating over and over in my … [Read more...]
Last holiday season our family found Bella in the most unlikely of places. The gift tags on the Christmas tree at Nordstrom. I'm used to finding her in the darkness of our bedroom as I'm drifting off to sleep. Or in the rays of light streaming through our windows during a sunny day. Or in the 60 minute commute to work in the morning sipping my coffee … [Read more...]
“Lord we come to you now.” He paused as if searching for the words. "We pray for this precious little baby girl, Bella. Lord we know you are in control.” I opened my eyes, as my Pastor continued his prayer. “Lord even now, I pray, if it is your will, that you perform a miracle here. I trust that you can. Amen.” I slouched to the chair … [Read more...]
I've never gotten the urge to pull my daughter's clothes out before. I'll come across theme from time-to-time and look them over, but a few weeks ago, I got the urge to run my hands across all of the unused items that we've saved (we donated many of them). I wanted to feel them. I wanted to think about the stories behind each garment. I also wanted to … [Read more...]
If I could, I would go back in time. I would endure the sickness, the weakness and the worry. I would go through all the scans and invasive medical procedures. I would be given hope, then false hope, then no hope at all, all over again. I would struggle through the labor and the humiliation of my placenta not budging from my womb. I would … [Read more...]
How can you make a choice that can't be unmade? How do you introduce a child to death? Very simply ~ know your children and let them lead the way. We knew my children and their hearts. We weighed our options carefully and tried to prepare each of them for Amelia's death. But no amount of talking can really prepare one for the cruel reality … [Read more...]
There is nothing like that feeling I get when my children speak of their sisters. We can be out running errands or just meeting someone new. My heart does a double take and I find myself holding my breath, watching for the telltale signs. Today, it went something like this as my three boys were in a waiting room and I came out of a doctor's office … [Read more...]
Guest Post by Gordon When our daughter Vivienne was born at only 22 weeks and died within minutes, I became part of a club to which no dedicated father would ever seek membership. As she was our only child to date, her death robbed me of the opportunity to be a father in the manner I’d seen my father and my friends become fathers. In the days … [Read more...]
I stormed out of the door with my hands in a balled up fist. I wrinkled my face in a make-believe angry mess. I wasn’t angry, but at 6-years-old, my imagination had taught me how to fake it. Well, my imagination and my favorite television show, The Incredible Hulk. I had just finished another episode and my adrenaline was pumping. Normally the … [Read more...]
My son should be turning seven. Seven. So far I’ve survived five of his birthdays without him. Five. He was killed when he was two. Two. It doesn’t add up. It hasn’t since the day he was violently robbed from me and it never will. Just thinking about another birthday without him makes me want [...]
Guest Post by Megan Skaggs My first Mother’s Day was an incredible mix of emotions. I didn’t really know whether to be happy or sad; or crying or not. I remember feeling quite numb. Our surviving twin son, Will, was about 10 months old. His identical twin brother, MJ, had been dead for about 9 [...]
