Did I kill my twin boys…

2 weeks apart

"I killed my babies." That's the thought that goes through my mind at the most random of times. Laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, willing sleep to come, I think, "I was given one job.  To protect my baby boys." And I failed. You'll either understand that.  Or you won't. I went through hell to get pregnant.  Shots, scan, hormones, … [Read more...]

A Letter to the Friend of a ‘New Normal’ Grieving Mother

An Open Letter to the Friend of a Grieving Mother, by Nathalie Himmelrich

Dear Friend, It's been awhile since I've contacted you. I was busy. Busy surviving. Busy grieving. I have been more focused on my journey and me than anyone else’s. I had to. For my own and my family’s sake. Otherwise I might no longer be around. My child has died and even if/though this is months or even years ago, my memory is as fresh as if … [Read more...]

The Friend Called Time

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I became a mother a month shy of turning 25, just three days before I celebrated my second wedding anniversary. I was so young and held on to the belief that life was about happy endings and fairy tales. I just knew that God wouldn’t give me more than I could handle and I certainly couldn’t handle the death of my son so even with a 50% chance of … [Read more...]

Dropping Comparison To Pick Up Love

Pick up love

A few days ago I stopped to grab a bottle of water at a gas station. The man in front of me was talking with the cashier about being tired after a long day at work. When I got up to the register, the cashier made a comment to me about how, "That guy doesn't know what tired is until he has 2 kids to take care of." Well, I'd just had a long day of … [Read more...]

I Liked the Other Boxes You Played in Better

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Today I carried the heaviest thing a mother is ever asked to carry— Down the aisle of the longest path I’ve ever been asked to walk— From the back to the front of the church where we sang songs of praise together just days before, you sitting snugly on my lap. My steps, like old woman shuffles— aged 100 years in a day— unsteady and … [Read more...]

Breathe…Just Breathe

clinging

Breathe. Just keep breathing, mama. You're doing great. Deep, slow breaths. In...and out. Breathe with me. You can do this. She shakes her head as "I can't" looms loud and crippling. I nod "You can." And, we breathe together, as generations fill the room with love, wiping her brow...stroking her hair...holding her hand. Breathing "You … [Read more...]

The Cap And Gown I’ll Never See

cap and gown

November is when my son was born. November is when he died. March is when I found out I was pregnant with him. December is when we buried him. Mother's Day is in May. Oh, June....who knew you could be so hard on my heart? I have been thrilled, to tears really, to see all of the Pre-K (and Kindergarten) graduation pictures that are … [Read more...]

An Open Letter to the Loved Ones of a Grieving Mother

An Open Letter to the Loved Ones of a Grieving Mother, by Franchesca Cox

Dear Loved One, I know you mean well. I believe you. I 100% believe you have the best intentions for her. She isn't the same person and that probably scares you. You think of her before her (and your) loss, and you might wonder why things aren't going back to the way they were. You try and fix her broken heart by telling her things that you would … [Read more...]

The Truth About “I’m Sorry”

The Truth About "I'm Sorry" by Nathalie Himmelrich

In the book Grieving Parents: Surviving Loss as a Couple, in Chapter 12 for the Supporters of the Grieving Parent, I suggest the three simplest things to say to bereaved parent, among a whole list of other do's and don'ts: I am sorry for your loss I am here for you I don't know what to say, I'm lost for words Sparked by the varied feedback I … [Read more...]

Who Took My Daughter After She Died?

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I often feel haunted, most recently, by the questions that will never be answered. As we approach her 2nd birthday, I begin pondering those days surrounding her birth, those hours all over again. Some of the questions will likely never be answered. I don't always know that I really want to know. But I do. Because it is my daughter and I am her … [Read more...]