Our Gift Was Goodbye

Goodbye

I was given thirty-five days in July and August 2009 with my son. Each and every single one of those days was a gift. I prayed, hoped, begged, and pleaded that my son would live. He tried so hard; gave such a valiant effort, but even with the surgeries, treatments, and medications he was given, the birth defect was too much. MJ gave me 36 weeks in … [Read more...]

Dear World, I Wish You Knew

Dear world

Dear World, I wish you knew that I will always miss my baby. It doesn't matter how many days, months or even years go past, she will always be my baby and I will always miss her. Always. Dear World, I wish you knew that it will always be hard to see other babies and children doing things that my baby never had the chance to do. Every first step, … [Read more...]

That Day

Courtesy Jennifer Dean

Fifteen years ago, I stood in the middle of Caldor. The store was going out of business and everything was on clearance. Most of the shelves had been taken down and everything was placed on tables in the middle of the store. It was a bit of a peculiar experience being there, almost eerie. I was searching for clothes, a little big would be good, as I was … [Read more...]

I’ve Got A Secret For You…

Secret1

I've got a secret for you… That no one talks about. Babies die, dreams get shattered, and sometimes hearts don't mend without noticeable scars. Try to mend yours anyway. I've got a secret for you... People don't understand. Some will try to. Others will look the other way, while others will insult you when it comes to sharing the story of the … [Read more...]

When Grief Is Lonely and No One Sees

When Grief is Lonely and No One Sees

"I wish someone cared about the babies I lost too." My heart feels ripped out as I read this comment on the picture of my twins, born at 20 weeks. I head over to her Instagram page to try to find out what happened, if there is anything I can say to reassure this girl that someone cares. Anyone at all. There is nothing, no pictures or explanation of her … [Read more...]

Facing My Demons and Finding Peace

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I'm living in a weird parallel universe of those who see strength in me and those who think I’m crazy.  Those who recognize in me someone who hasn't given up and those who think that I still hurt is ridiculous.  Those who think I'm inspiring and those who think I'm neurotic. Truth be told, I’m probably a little of both. Meltdowns caused by … [Read more...]

A Letter to a Younger Man

Dear September 18th 2011 Adam, There is no way to sugarcoat what I am about to tell you. It will be hard to read but you must. You must. Your son—our son—is going to die in five days’ time. You don’t know me but I know you. You see, we used to be the same, you and I. I used to BE you and you used to be me. We were one in the same at one time, … [Read more...]

Dear Sweet Mama, Your Courage Roars

(c) Sarah Hrudka

For Lindsey Henke & Maripilli Araya and all the beautifully brave mamas in the world who are pregnant again after loss.  This one's especially for you.  Courage, n.  It doesn’t mean you’re not afraid.  It means boldly staring fear in the face and declaring, fear will not win.  Not this time. You’re doing this.  No matter what.  … [Read more...]

PTSD and Coping

Broken4

Post Traumatic Stress happens when you experience a traumatic event and results in symptoms that can make you feel pretty crazy (problems relating to others, difficulty falling or staying asleep; irritability; outbursts of anger; difficulty concentrating; and being "jumpy" or easily startled are just a few).   Basically, you are a great big ball of … [Read more...]

Letting Go

Letting Go

Losing my daughter has changed me as a person. Part of me died along with her. In some ways I’ve become stronger and in others more fragile. I’ve found myself lost in morbidly dark places, but eventually discovered a way out. I’ve learned to cope with all that I’ve faced and I feel capable of coping with anything to come. I owe much of who I am now not … [Read more...]