Strength and Weakness

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I have to admit that for a long time, a very, very, long time, I have been that woman. That woman who felt weak and disempowered by well, life. I allowed the waves to crash upon me with full force and I surrendered to the tide that would pull me so easily under. My spirit wasn’t cracked, it was broken, and every piece that lay scattered about reminded … [Read more...]

One Less Second Grader

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Signs of back to school are everywhere. For some parents it might be a relief. Summer is over, and the school schedule is a welcome change. For bereaved parents, signs of torture are everywhere. Over-sized backpacks, school supplies, car drop off and pick up lines. It's a sucker punch to the gut. Everywhere you look there are painful reminders of … [Read more...]

Dear Kaden,

Dear Kaden

One year ago today, we sat in the hospital in Dallas, listening to machines beep and flash. Watching as you struggled to hold on. I don't remember words but I remember the sounds of The End. I ached to hold you and yet I knew when I did, it would be one of the last times. So many people were in that room when I finally said we were ready. Daddy and … [Read more...]

Custody battle of embryos? Really?

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I try to take time for myself and do things to unwind and relax and give myself a moment of running away from life when I can. Today I ran to the pool and it was  like I was at a waterpark. The amount of kids swimming and splashing and laughing with their moms is kind of ridiculous. Don't these people have jobs or preschool or … [Read more...]

Tending to Our Wounds

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  "Don't you think it's unhealthy to talk about it all the time?" "Don't you worry about what people will think if they read your blog?" "Is writing about it really what you should be doing now? It's been over a year..." When I was in college, my five roommates and I worked at a certain world famous theme park. One day I came home … [Read more...]

Will She Be Forgotten?

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I thought he had forgotten as I opened the Mother’s Day present this past May while at brunch.  There inside was a beautiful blue sapphire necklace. Running my fingertips over the slender smooth silver chain I said thank you and asked my husband, “Why a blue sapphire?” Proud of his purchase he replied, “It’s Zoe’s birthstone.” Turning to look at … [Read more...]

Atheism, Infertility and Grief

I've had a really tough time getting these words on the screen and even as I type now I'm not exactly sure how this may end. Still Standing as a whole has a pretty faith-based audience and the majority of writers have some sort of faith, in something.  I used to have faith; it was a pretty strong faith too.  I never identified with being Christian … [Read more...]

But Please, Just Tell Me

(Writers note: My article this month focuses on grief in general rather than child loss or infertility specifically. Talking about dying and death is very much a personal choice regarding to whom you share this information with, so your choice is yours and is right within you.) "This hurts, it really does. Just tell me. Please. I need to know. I want … [Read more...]

Turning the Page…

Standing

They say life is written in Chapters. I can’t count the chapters of my life, but I know the chapter that most certainly changed the entire story. It begins with a birth and a death. All in the same day. In many ways, it became a new book, as I am no longer the person I was before Hannah and I know I can never be her again. I lost my innocence that … [Read more...]

Our time together

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I got to hold you for just one night. In exchange, I got a lifetime of sleeping with your blanket under my pillow. I guess I could have held you longer. A few more hours, minutes even. Sometimes I think maybe I was in a rush. As if I was keeping everyone and not being a proper hostess to our midwives in our home birth. Mamá does need to be … [Read more...]