Please, Don’t Buy Me a Plant

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When we lost our son, our home was invaded with greenery.  All at once. It was Christmastime, so space was already crowded.  We crammed pots and arrangements into every nook and cranny in our house.  It was exhausting. While overwhelmed, we did enjoy the fresh poinsettias and flowers.  It seemed easier to find spots for them, knowing they were … [Read more...]

On Guilt and Photo Albums

Photo Album

Ten hours before the doctor said, “I’m sorry. There’s no heartbeat,” my wife and I sat blissfully unaware at our computer, about to hit “Confirm.” Unbeknownst to me, this would happened to be the last time I would be blissful, and the last time I would not have a sense of guilt coloring my every day. The “Gillette Family Album 2013” was finally done, … [Read more...]

Moving House

Moving house

We moved house this weekend. It doesn't seem like such a big deal when I type it out like that. It sounds so simple, but I found it to be anything but simple. We moved because we wanted more room for my son as he grows; our unit was fast becoming too small for his adventurous ways. I'm glad to have somewhere bigger for him and I'm so grateful for many … [Read more...]

Forgiving the Body That Failed Me

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I have lived as a childless mother for 12 years. For the most part, while I miss my daughters intensely, I have made my peace with not having living children. In recent years, I’ve been pretty outspoken about what it is to live without my children. I talk about the painful ache of holidays, Mother’s Day, and their birthdays. I share a great deal about … [Read more...]

Still A Mother

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I dedicate this to each and every mother who lives without her precious child(ren), to every mother who has no living children, and to every woman who longs to be a mother. We see you. We remember you. And we honor your motherhood. You are a beautiful, beautiful mother. Mother's Day can be a wonderful day for many women. A day of celebration, honor … [Read more...]

May We All Heal

www.grievingparents.net

As part of the community event May We All Heal: A photographic healing journey for mothers in May, created by seven mothers of the Grieving Parents Support Network, I shared an image on Instagram with a heart saying: "Two hearts beating as one - Hope & Passion" Below the image, I wrote: Hope & Passion made me a mother 44 months ago on … [Read more...]

To My Fellow Loss Mom on the First Day of the “After”

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To the beautiful and broken mama on the morning after your heart was torn from your soul, I can tell you that today, you will wake up, even if you don't want to.  The cruel joke of the world is that you are still here and your child is not, on this first day of life now split into the forever proverbial “before” and “after” your child died. You … [Read more...]

We Are All Mothers

we are all mothers

My childless motherhood is not so different from yours, you who have the joy and privilege to raise your children here on earth. On the surface, our motherhoods look very different. Mine is rarely recognized by the larger society or even by many of those close to me. My home is quiet and uncluttered by toys or random scattered clothes and shoes. My … [Read more...]

Siblings Grieve Too

simply time

This post is an excerpt from the book Sufficient Grace (Comfort Publishing) by Kelly Gerken: Timothy was two years old when we were expecting Faith and Grace. His little life was turned upside down by my extreme illness and constant vomiting. Then there was a long hospital stay and little contact from me. Of course, he was doted on by his … [Read more...]

Sharing My Fears Along Grief’s Roller Coaster

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I have spent countless nights lying awake listening to the even ebb and flow of my husband’s breath beside me, just trying to pinpoint the exact moment when I first heard the clack clack clack of my car along the surface of the tracks. I like to think that I had no idea. I like to think that it was not until hearing the words, “something is very, very … [Read more...]