Our time together

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I got to hold you for just one night. In exchange, I got a lifetime of sleeping with your blanket under my pillow. I guess I could have held you longer. A few more hours, minutes even. Sometimes I think maybe I was in a rush. As if I was keeping everyone and not being a proper hostess to our midwives in our home birth. Mamá does need to be … [Read more...]

I’m Sorry I Can’t Like Your Baby

Every day, I get online and brace myself for what I know will be an onslaught of happy families with healthy babies and glowing pregnancies. I shuffle my way through pictures, announcements, kids wearing 'Big Sister!' shirts, balloons being released from boxes, and grandparents posting ultrasounds. I sit and stare at each one briefly, part of me … [Read more...]

Relationship With Death

I’ve always been fearful of death. I remember one day as a young girl, maybe seven years old, the realization that I would die struck me like a bolt. The warmth drained from my face and a wave of panic coursed through my body. The wake of that distressing moment never fully receded. I’m going to die. We all know we will die one day. It’s common … [Read more...]

Underlying Fear in Pregnancy after Loss

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Today is my due date with our third child. We lost our first child at 19 days old, and then went on to have a beautiful rainbow baby who is now three. As I write this at 39 weeks pregnant, I have no idea what today will bring, whether or not this baby will be born yet, and what fate the birth will bring.   I have worked hard to make this pregnancy a … [Read more...]

Pay Attention To Your Words

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Guest Post by Nathalie Himmelrich As bereaved parents, we make meaning with the words we assign to our experiences. This is, in most cases, an unconscious process. Many times it is based on how we used to process our emotions (and experiences in general) as a child, how our parents managed their emotions and how we saw the society around us deal with … [Read more...]

This is Me

Thanatology: The description or study of death and dying and the psychological mechanisms of dealing with them. I am currently studying thanatology, with the desire to be a grief and bereavement counselor.  I¹m only 22, and one might ask why I¹d be interested in such a heavy topic.  Or what I might even be able to bring to this magazine as a new … [Read more...]

Healing After Depression

It's been almost a year now since I was diagnosed with severe depression and moderate anxiety. I lost Cthaeh a year ago May 9th.  I took two days off and went back to work and of course, worked Mother's Day.  Ouch. I held it together for a bit but then stopped sleeping.  Then, I stopped eating and started acting in a way that made my husband seek … [Read more...]

We Are Not That Different: How We All Experience the 4th Trimester, Even In Grief

To new moms out there, and moms who have older children and remember the early days well. We are more alike than you may think. I look as worn and weathered as you do. My face has aged over the last five months from worry. We both worry. I worry, but it's not bent over a breathing, sleeping baby holding a mirror to their mouth to make sure that there … [Read more...]

I Lost My Heart But I’m Still Breathing

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How many times can your life turn upside down? At what point is it acceptable to shake your hands to the heavens and cry out, “NO MORE!?! I CAN’T TAKE ANYTHING ELSE BAD HAPPENING!” Melodramatic, possibly. Accurate, entirely! I’m at that point. I’m actually so far past that point that I find myself wondering how much longer I can hold the thoughts in … [Read more...]

Standing STILL.

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Standing STILL. We always say we are “Still Standing,” and we are, but are we standing still? Sometimes I feel as if I am. I rummage through my mind on ways to preserve her life, on ways to make sure people know, on ways to may sure no one will ever forget. I search and search for new ways to help, to give myself as that is all I have to offer … [Read more...]