Contradictions of a Grieving Heart

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  Our son Aiden would have turned five years old this month. It was a hard birthday for me this year. Not only is five years a big milestone, but I also felt a lot of emotional turmoil this year. Knowing that grieving is not a linear process and “grief bursts” are a normal part of the process, I shouldn’t be surprised by the fact that this … [Read more...]

A Reality I’ll Never Know

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It’s hard for me to wrap my brain around my reality sometimes. I look back at life almost six years ago and I had so much hope that I would bring both of my twin sons home from the hospital. We found out when I was 21 weeks pregnant that one of my sons was going to be born with a congenital diaphragmatic hernia (CDH) and he would need to be in the NICU … [Read more...]

Soldier

Soldier

I am a soldier.  Not in the traditional sense of the word, for I am not in the military forces.  Rather, I am a soldier in the forces of women who have endured the loss of a baby. I put on my fatigues every day.  Even though I wash them regularly, they are worn.  Tattered.  Faded.  I put on my boots and lace them up tightly.  When I first started … [Read more...]

I Quit

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To Whom It May Concern, This letter is to inform you of my decision to quit this club called "Babyloss". I'm fed up and I can't take it anymore! I don't want to be a part of this club for even one moment longer. If I'm being completely honest, I never once wanted to be a part of this horrible group: the people who live every day with broken hearts … [Read more...]

Acceptance, A Word for 2015?

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In the days that have passed as we venture into the New Year I see articles and blog posts asking, "What's Your Word for 2015?" The basic idea is that by choosing a word for the year ahead we are choosing a mantra, a phrase to live by, and setting an intention for the days to come. Two years ago today, the word I would have chosen would have been … [Read more...]

Empty Arms At Christmas

Happy 2nd Birthday Boys!

Christmas. Pictures of Santa. Presents. Taking your kids to look at lights, Elf on the Shelf, letters to Santa. All pretty typical of the American family. I'm not typical. Not in any way. Shape. Or form. I'm a complete and total mess. The words of a Selah song, “ I will carry you..” resonate in my heart and soul. "People say that … [Read more...]

When Mother’s Intuition Is Wrong

2 years ago, the day before my water broke at 18 weeks.  I delivered Tucker 3 days later and his brother Fletcher, 13 days after that.

2 years ago I had a gender reveal party. Mother’s tuition had told me, weeks before it was confirmed, that I was carrying twins. The dr kept telling us we only had 1 baby, I knew he was wrong. When he saw 2 hearbeats, I smiled, smugly, knowingly. I knew I was carrying a boy and a girl. I’d dreamed of both. I’d seen them both whenever I closed my eyes. … [Read more...]

6 Ways to Survive the Holidays Without Your Child

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For a bereaved parent, this time of year might not be the season of Yuletide-cheer it once was. Your eggnog might taste like crap even if it is homemade. The lights and Lords-a-leapin' might have lost their luster. The whole season might feel like a cruel, sick joke. Worse yet, you might feel like the only person who has one or more missing from your … [Read more...]

Should Have Been

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I drop my daughter off at her hourly care class, a few hours so I can work and she can have some fun with friends. I hug her and wave all the way out the door as she does the same, peeking through the window panes at me as I leave. On my out there's a mom in the waiting room with two little ones to drop off. She struggling with the littlest one … [Read more...]

Plan H

The last time I found myself unemployed a lot of people said “it was for the best” or other similar words of encouragement that this bump in the road would lead to good things. My Rabbi was not one of those people, although he did hope for me to land back on my feet. While he did wish the best for me, he reminded me that you do not need to look very far … [Read more...]