My son should be turning seven. Seven. So far I've survived five of his birthdays without him. Five. He was killed when he was two. Two. It doesn't add up. It hasn't since the day he was violently robbed from me and it never will. Just thinking about another birthday without him makes me want to crawl into my bed and never come … [Read more...]
I am five days away from the year anniversary of a D&C. No... It wasn't like walking into the hospital overdue and walking out a day later, having to get into a car with an empty carseat...anticipating the baby that would never sit in it. That was a hell all its own. But it was hell, of that you can be sure. It was not just some … [Read more...]
In the beginning it was the minutes, the hours, the months. I tried to remember every detail, the weight of her in my arms, the almost-blue of her eyes, the shape of her eyelids as they closed. I felt panic rise as the days passed and memories blurred, I couldn't forget a thing. She was my daughter. I wouldn't. Repeating over and over in my … [Read more...]
For so long (three years, but it honestly feels like so much longer) I've wanted days like this. Days filled with pink laundry, a reason to shop in the girls' section, making hair bows and pieces, dreaming of what princess she might favor the best at four years old. My hope? The Little Mermaid. For years I wondered what it would have been like. … [Read more...]
I laid there in the dimly lit hospital room. My husband sat in the chair with his head in his hands. We were tired and weary. It was 4:30am on a Friday morning. Christian, our newborn son was curled up on my chest in heavenly peace. There was no sound. We just sat there in silence. Weak and grief-stricken, I managed to pull some energy … [Read more...]
Tomorrow Americans will be sitting down with family and friends for their annual Thanksgiving meal. It's a time for us to come together, break bread, carve turkey, dig into mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, and stuffing. But more so, it's a time to reflect upon appreciation, gratitude, and give thanks for the many blessings in our life. But what if … [Read more...]
My husband invited them for dinner ~ a new family he had met at church and had really connected with. I had no real idea of who they were, but knew that they would soon be relocating to another state. And I wondered why we just couldn't make a polite excuse to cancel. After all we didn't have a relationship, and it wasn't like we had time to … [Read more...]
“Lord we come to you now.” He paused as if searching for the words. "We pray for this precious little baby girl, Bella. Lord we know you are in control.” I opened my eyes, as my Pastor continued his prayer. “Lord even now, I pray, if it is your will, that you perform a miracle here. I trust that you can. Amen.” I slouched to the chair … [Read more...]
I've always been a daydreamer. I was the child staring out of the window instead of paying attention to the teacher. I grew into the young woman who stared out of the window instead of paying attention to the boss. Eyes always gazing beyond the horizon, to an imaginary place that seemed so much more interesting than the reality that I found myself … [Read more...]
If I could, I would go back in time. I would endure the sickness, the weakness and the worry. I would go through all the scans and invasive medical procedures. I would be given hope, then false hope, then no hope at all, all over again. I would struggle through the labor and the humiliation of my placenta not budging from my womb. I would … [Read more...]
She draws me rainbows and colourful swirls and announces to me “This what heaven looks like, Mummy. My big brother is there. He died. But he is in heaven now, so it is okay. He has special lights on his hands”. River, my daughter, sees things that I cannot. She tells me stories about [...]
It’s inside the spaces– the pauses– the infinite stillness– that I most palpably feel the emptiness you’ve left behind. It’s the silence of your missing voice that screams the loudest. It’s every holiday that’s impossible to truly celebrate. It’s the painfully absent goodnight routine. It’s the missing you in every picture of our forever-one-too-small family. [...]
