• Crying mother statue

    It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way

    May 22, 2018

    On the hard days, when I’m fiercely missing my babies in heaven or, more recently, longing for the new baby we dream of welcoming into our lives through adoption, all I can think is, ‘It’s not supposed to be this way.” The deep soul-jerking emotions come on so suddenly and intensely that I’ve begun to…

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  • Raw Grief

    May 6, 2018

    Raw grief is like labor. The intensity of the pain fades with time. Probably because if it didn’t, we could never survive it. We remember when loss visits us anew, ripping everything to pieces as its first wave overtakes us. It is hard to breathe. Everything hurts. Nothing matters, except the consuming missing. And the…

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  • Fight for Hope and Light

    February 28, 2018

    Recently I was out to celebrate the milestone thirtieth birthday of one of my dearest girlfriends. As we dug into our appetizer of deep-fried pickles, I asked what she wanted her thirtieth year to look like. Did she have special goals? Did she want thirty to look much different than twenty-nine, or had it been…

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  • We walked into our 20 week ultrasound appointment jubilant and carefree.

    Decisions In Grief

    February 15, 2018

    We walked into our 20-week ultrasound appointment jubilant and carefree. Our mothers in tow, we expected to be in and out in an hour, leaving with a handful of ultrasound photos. Not once did it cross our minds that we would leave bewildered and stunned. We thought the biggest choice we’d make that day would…

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  • Hope, Despair, and Being Honest

    December 15, 2017

    Hope does not come naturally to the grieving, it’s definitely not the default setting. Reading about others hope is good, it’s uplifting and inspiring. But, it doesn’t often tell the painful truth about the path it takes to get there. What about the early days when you are drowning in a sea of despair? When…

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  • Dark Days In Grief

    December 15, 2017

    Maybe it’s just a regular day, an innocuous date on the calendar. Maybe it’s a milestone, holiday, or anniversary. Maybe I felt it coming or maybe it arrived unannounced and uninvited. In truth, it doesn’t really matter because it’s, simply, a dark day. A day where grief will cover and swallow me whole. It will…

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  • Is Waiting the Hardest Part?

    November 27, 2017

    By the time we finished all of the adoption paperwork and were official ‘parents in waiting,’ we had already spent two years on the adoption trail. During this time I watched many friends go on to have a second and even third baby.  Yet as ‘parents in waiting’ we were thrilled and excited that we…

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