It was 1am. I couldn't sleep. No surprises there. I lit a sweet pea and jasmine candle that my dear friend gave to me on Christian's birthday. She told me that her friend had given her one and told her that when she was feeling sad to light the candle, inhale its scent and imagine a warm hug from her. My friend wanted the same thing for me. Oh how I … [Read more...]
The secret is out . . . I have an alter ego called "Monster Mommy". Instead of being normal and mild mannered like Peter Parker with a cool super human 'Spidey' powers that help and serve humanity . . . I am more like 'Green Goblin'. I have this voice in my head that tries really hard to get out. She is cynical, bitchy, sarcastic, ironic on … [Read more...]
Many times I hear parents that have lost a child struggle to answer a simple question, “How many children do you have?” They struggle with whether to answer the question truthfully or save the innocent curious stranger an awkward sad moment. Although I’ve never lost a child, I’ve had similar moments as a sibling of how to answer the question, … [Read more...]
This morning as I was drying my hair I felt the all-too-familiar feeling of my heart lurching up into my throat. Anxiety-- it’s as normal to me now as breathing. My littlest guy slept all night without a peep. I, of course, had to go in three (or maybe more) times between the hours of 7am and 8am. Just to make sure his little chest was moving … [Read more...]
When the world goes wrong, when tragedy strikes, when you just cannot handle one more emotional strain in an already overflowing current of grief . . . take time for yourself. It is alright to turn off the world, the news, the Internet, the phone (whatever you need) and just shut things out for a while. On a Friday that changed the world {Sandy … [Read more...]
I have a secret that I am not proud of. Out in public, I smile, I joke, I laugh, and I am especially patient with my children. I am the person that you may see and admire from a distance. The one who appears to have it all together. I am that mom that empty nesters compliment in the grocery store because I haven't gone 'psycho' on the kids who … [Read more...]
I opened the front door of our home and started walking. A new subdivision was under construction behind our home. Beyond the construction zone, it opened into a field marked with a tall wooden post that was spray painted with orange numbers. Honestly, it wasn’t the walk that I desired but rather some time alone. I needed to write. I needed … [Read more...]
My husband invited them for dinner ~ a new family he had met at church and had really connected with. I had no real idea of who they were, but knew that they would soon be relocating to another state. And I wondered why we just couldn't make a polite excuse to cancel. After all we didn't have a relationship, and it wasn't like we had time to … [Read more...]
How can you make a choice that can't be unmade? How do you introduce a child to death? Very simply ~ know your children and let them lead the way. We knew my children and their hearts. We weighed our options carefully and tried to prepare each of them for Amelia's death. But no amount of talking can really prepare one for the cruel reality … [Read more...]
There is nothing like that feeling I get when my children speak of their sisters. We can be out running errands or just meeting someone new. My heart does a double take and I find myself holding my breath, watching for the telltale signs. Today, it went something like this as my three boys were in a waiting room and I came out of a doctor's office … [Read more...]
She draws me rainbows and colourful swirls and announces to me “This what heaven looks like, Mummy. My big brother is there. He died. But he is in heaven now, so it is okay. He has special lights on his hands”. River, my daughter, sees things that I cannot. She tells me stories about [...]
It’s inside the spaces– the pauses– the infinite stillness– that I most palpably feel the emptiness you’ve left behind. It’s the silence of your missing voice that screams the loudest. It’s every holiday that’s impossible to truly celebrate. It’s the painfully absent goodnight routine. It’s the missing you in every picture of our forever-one-too-small family. [...]
