For years, woman have suffered in silence. It's been too long. Things are changing, but change can't come soon enough. I lost my baby when she was five days old, I am breaking the silence. I suffered two early miscarriages, I am breaking the silence. I am dealing with possible infertility, I am breaking the silence. I will no longer be … [Read more...]
I'll always miss my daughter, Cora. I'll always wish she were here. Before I lost her, I thought of grief as something I should get over. Like it was some sort of disease I was trying to cure. I was already dancing with grief--my father died when I was a child, but I didn't get it. Society paints loss as something that happens, we recover from. … [Read more...]
I'm usually a quick writer. Open Wordpress, add new post and I'm off. This month, I've stared at the empty Wordpress box for several moments. Willing words to come. When they do, they don't fit here. They're dark and not uplifting. The past few weeks, I haven't been standing. I haven't even been crawling, and not because I broke my leg six weeks … [Read more...]
Before my daughter was born, I remember thinking about her birth announcement, especially in the weeks before her birth. There was some deal at one of the big sites and I remember thinking that I hoped she was born before the deal was over (For me, nesting meant turning into an extreme couponer, bargain hunter). When she was born, all of those … [Read more...]
We all have them. The day the doctor told you there was no heart beat. The day you took him off life support. The day you found your baby not breathing. The day you thought your world ended. Your baby's angel day. Your baby's death day. That "other anniversary." Whatever you might call it. Today is that day for me. December 6, 2009 I … [Read more...]
Within days of my daughter's death, I felt a pull at my heart. Something, possibly her, was tugging saying, share her, share her, share her. I wanted to share her with the world. She was so beautiful. She changed me so much. I just couldn't let all that love and light die. I wanted it to multiply. Shortly after she died suddenly and … [Read more...]
I've never gotten the urge to pull my daughter's clothes out before. I'll come across theme from time-to-time and look them over, but a few weeks ago, I got the urge to run my hands across all of the unused items that we've saved (we donated many of them). I wanted to feel them. I wanted to think about the stories behind each garment. I also wanted to … [Read more...]
A few weeks after my daughter died, a friend called, which was actually a rare occasion after I lost my daughter. He apprehensively asked how I was. He then proceeded to tell me he'd been waiting for the call in the middle of the night where I'd turned to the bottle and was at rock bottom. He'd been waiting for me to come to him at the end of my … [Read more...]
When Fran emailed me asking me to be part of Still Standing I immediately just about fell out of my chair because I felt so honored. After I managed to shut my jaw, I next thought about what I wanted to write about. Immediately, I knew I just had to write about doing good in your baby's name. So much good comes from our little ones' short lives. I … [Read more...]
Miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss. For years, we weren't supposed to talk about it. Because of women like all of you, that's changing. One woman in particular is lifting the taboo surrounding the death of our beautiful babies. My friend Devan has had 12 miscarriages, and a stillbirth. I can't imagine. I really, really can't. When others might … [Read more...]
She draws me rainbows and colourful swirls and announces to me “This what heaven looks like, Mummy. My big brother is there. He died. But he is in heaven now, so it is okay. He has special lights on his hands”. River, my daughter, sees things that I cannot. She tells me stories about [...]
It’s inside the spaces– the pauses– the infinite stillness– that I most palpably feel the emptiness you’ve left behind. It’s the silence of your missing voice that screams the loudest. It’s every holiday that’s impossible to truly celebrate. It’s the painfully absent goodnight routine. It’s the missing you in every picture of our forever-one-too-small family. [...]
