In the beginning, my emotions were so strong, so raw. I felt like I was in a dark, dank hole clawing with every bit of my soul to find a way out. My child was gone. My child had died. I had lost a part of me.
In those first few minutes and hours, I felt that I would never quit crying, the tears would never stop falling down my face in silent rivers.
Hours turned to days, I felt I was not getting anywhere. I was still lost in my sorrow, in my grief, in my love. What was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to continue on? For days, I cried and cried – there was no way to stop these reminders of what had just occurred.
Related: When the Strong Break
Then one day the tears stopped not because I was ready for them, but I had literally run out – physically I had no more tears to shed. I guess you could say I cried every tear that I had in me.
I was not better, I still was not ok with what had occurred to my son, I was able to start thinking. I was able to realize that no matter how many more tears I would shed as I knew there would be plenty more in the future, I had to learn.
Learn to move on with my grief, my sorrow because there was no way that I could move past it. I had to learn all about the new me, because as each of those tears ran – they changed me.
Changed me for the rest of my life, how could they not. You cannot go through the loss of your child and expect to be the same afterward.
This type of loss changes who you are forever because this is a type of loss that no parent and I mean no parent expects to have to endure. Our child/children are supposed to outlive us. We are not supposed to bury our babies.
In the beginning, I truly thought I would cry for the rest of my life and I still do but over time, the tears have waned, they have taken breaks as I learn that grief is a part of me and always will be. I have learned with time that:
I will never love the fact that I have grieved and will grieve.
I will never love the fact that my son died in my arms.
But I will love the fact that I have grieved and will grieve because I love him.
I will love the fact that I got to hold my son in my arms and let him go knowing and feeling nothing but love.
In the beginning, I was unable to think like this. I just wanted to turn back time, the cruel mistress that time can be. But I was fooling myself, there is no turning back time. I had to learn to accept to the best of my ability that my son was gone, my son was never coming back. Time did allow my grief to change over the years, it is not the same strong and raw emotions that it was in the beginning, it is still there, it always will be. Grief has allowed me to be the person that I am today, some factors I was able to bring with me, but some things have changed.
I love even more fully now than I ever did.
I want to take every opportunity that I am given because I know that no one is promised tomorrow.
I want to share his name, his memory with everyone who will listen – not to make you feel sad but so that I can continue to keep his memories fresh in my mind.
Related: These Are My Tears
My tears will still flow as I see my other children grow and realize what I am missing because he is no longer here.
My tears will still flow because I will always love him, always miss him.
My tears will still flow because he was my son.
As the years continue to drive me further away from the day that I had to say goodbye, the tears become less raging rivers and more soft summer rainstorms. Popping up somewhere unexpected.
Photo by David von Diemar on Unsplash