I remember the first couple of weeks and months after saying goodbye to my precious Jonah at 30 weeks gestation due to a heart condition as extremely difficult and filled with so many ups and downs, I felt like a marionette doll living someone else’s life, because there’s no way that much sadness could be…
The worst feeling – feeling alone. Even if you are surrounded by support you can feel alone. Even if you are surrounded by others who have gone through a loss you can feel alone.
Alone because this is something new to you. There is no way to know how you are going to feel day-to-day as you learn. Learn about the grief that will become part of you.
Alone in my grief.
Alone in this world.
I am not saying I am alone, there are certain people in my life who were there for me in the beginning and some who are still there for me now. I know that if I need to talk I can pick any one of them to call or ask to get together. But only Joel knows the loss/ pain I feel. Our son is the one who is gone. Our son’s death affected others in our lives, I have no doubt, but not to the extent of our pain, our grief. I can pour my heart out to these people and they will listen, they will allow the tears to fall, but sometimes it is hard to talk about something not everyone understands.
Alone in my pain.
Alone with my tears.
After our son died, there were so many people surrounding us with love and support, so many flowers and cards were delivered, so many texts and phone calls. But while I was still so fresh into my misery, my grief; calls and text became fewer, flowers and cards stopped, people who had surrounded us moved on.
Alone in my misery.
Alone in my sorrow.
I don’t fault them for returning to their normal lives but it would be great to feel as if he had not been forgotten. I often ask myself, “If I don’t mention him, his name, his death; would anyone mention him?” In my heart, the answer is – I don’t know. Not because they don’t care but life can be hectic for anyone, especially those my age as they have young kids that keep them busy.
Alone in my fear.
Alone in my quest to break the silence.
Somedays it is hard to fight the loneliness, those are the days I need someone to reach out and say “I thought about him today.” I’m not the type of person to ask for help, I don’t feel this would even be something to ask. Instead, those are the days I turn to writing, a moment to release all thoughts and feelings even if just for a moment, until the next time they fill my heart and I write it all down again. An endless cycle of my grief is always there, my grief is always a part of me.
Alone in my thoughts.
Alone in my heart.
Related post: Together alone
It may take time for me to realize that it is not so much that I am alone, it is that life has to continue not only for my friends and family but for myself as well. I can’t continue to dwell on the fact that there are times I feel alone, there are times that I feel he has been forgotten, there are times no one brings him up. Because there will be times I feel alone and those are ok because I went through and I am still going through something tragic, something not everyone has experienced. There will be times I feel that he has been forgotten, but I will never forget him – he will always be in my heart and on my mind. Others may not bring him up for fear of making my pain a reality again, not knowing that I would much rather talk about him through the tears.
I can use these moments to make myself stronger, to work on me, to write – a release of some sort to continue to move forward. As I have learned, no one knows what is going to happen tomorrow, no one knows at all when we will take our last breath.
I may feel alone at times, but I just need to take a moment, take a moment to realize that there are others out there that have gone through a loss. They know what I am feeling, thinking, dealing with. They know the pain, the sorrow, the grief.
I am truly not alone.