“I carry your heart with me(i carry it in)” – EE Cummings
I am not always sad at the thought of you. Yes, there are days when my heart hurts and I wish that I could see you just one more time. I never expected you to leave me and so I struggle some days and that is expected. I get angry sometimes, at the universe, at myself and even at you but not all the time.
I cry sometimes when I am alone, yearning to feel you in my arms, to hear you laughing, to see you living the way I always dreamed you would. There are days when I feel crushed and unable to stand because I miss you so much. Those days come and I am happy to say that they go. They are not constant.
Most days I remember you and I smile. I remember the months I carried you alive within me, how you grew and developed and how many hopes I had for you. Those days I genuinely smile and wonder about what would have been like now, at four years old. I have all these daydreams of us doing girly things together like getting our hair done, me painting your nails for the first time and taking you shopping. When I think of you and how much I love you, there is so much joy because you are a constant reminder that love is so much more than what we see every day. Love is so much more than what we can say to each other every day. Love is even more than we can possibly do for each other. Loving you has been my great lesson in love. I say that with deep passion and truth.
It’s true because you were loved long before I saw or touched you, before I knew you. The great truth is that when you died, you did not take any of that love away. It still remains, in my heart, in my soul, in everything that I am and ever will be. It surrounds me on those difficult days, a reminder of you and your place in my life. It is there when I glance at the picture of you from your 4d scan taken just a month before you died. I remember the joy I felt at seeing your face, your tiny hands and legs. It is there when I talk about you to your dad or when your brother says your name. It is there when a light a candle in your honor.
You will never be forgotten and loving you doesn’t hold me back from living, instead, I live more completely. You are a part of me and always will be. The love I hold for you is not dependent on how long we knew each other, you are mine as I am yours.
How can you love a child you do not know? A child you have never heard speak, talked to or spent a day with?
I answer simply that “You just do.”
You can love a child who has left the earthly realm because every child is woven carefully and eloquently into the very tapestry of a mother.
They are within our hearts,
they are in our blood,
they live in the cells in our body,
their souls are linked to ours,
they are within our very being.
There can be no mother without a child nor a child without a mother, we are from one another and of one another and we exist in that way. A child for which you prayed for, a child for which you hoped for, a child you dreamed of, a child whom you love, a child whom you carried, no matter how short that time was or how long you held them with you.
Love is what knits our souls together Zia, it’s what will always be the proof of your existence, the proof of your significance and the proof that I will love you forever.