I remember the first couple of weeks and months after saying goodbye to my precious Jonah at 30 weeks gestation due to a heart condition as extremely difficult and filled with so many ups and downs, I felt like a marionette doll living someone else’s life, because there’s no way that much sadness could be…
I wonder what it is like where you are. I’m sure it is wonderful and Christmas in heaven is perfect. I know you aren’t gone- you just exist in a different way. I held you both in my arms and studied your beautiful faces – you were HERE and I got to be with you for such a short time.
But, it wasn’t in the cards for you to stay on earth. You just couldn’t come to your earthly home. I know you are saving a very special spot for us, and one day we will be reunited.
But for now, I am still your Mommy. I parent my invisible children the best I can.
The holiday season has arrived and you would be 2 years old this year. The tree would be glowing, a fire roaring in the fireplace, and our pup Barley would be laying on the rug while you crawl all over him. I know he would love every moment. I see his eyes light up around children and wish he could have met you. A big pile of presents would threaten to topple over, and Mommy would make loads of cookies, treats, and naughty sweets.
We would go look at Christmas lights, sit on Santa’s lap, and watch Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. I bet your favorite part would be The Island of Misfit Toys – just like Mommy’s. We’d go to NYC to see your Uncle Mike’s new house and we’d take a carriage ride through Central Park and look at the window displays at Macy’s. We’d see The Nutcracker and go to the biggest toy stores. You’d go sledding with your cousins Olivia and Hudson, and we’d all build a snowman.
Daddy and I would bundle you up and we’d go to the Christmas Tree Farm and pick out the perfect tree.
Oh, the places we would go.
Oh, the things we would do.
Oh, the fun we would have.
But this year is just like last Christmas, and the Christmas before. We will celebrate with our family and friends and be thankful for all that we have. All the while we will be thinking about what should be – what we are missing – our precious twin boys.
I hang your special angel ornaments on our tree and the tears always come. This year fewer tears than last. I sit in a dark room and stare at the twinkling lights and daydream about what you’d look like and what gifts you’d be opening. I see two strawberry blonde, blue-eyed boys in matching Reindeer PJs dancing around the room.
I get back to reality and go out to our quiet backyard.
I look up at the dark night sky and find you there – my two shimmering stars – forever glowing, forever guiding me, forever in my heart.
Merry Christmas William and Harrison.