Those of us who have been through child loss know as well as anyone the power of a moment in time. Grasping those moments with the child you know you may not have long, and trying to survive in the meantime and the after. It’s so easy to slip into a depressive cycle after losing your…
Fall arrived on Friday and with it the emotions that have been a part of my life for the last two years.
This has always been my favorite time of year. Every weekend is filled with college football. The temperatures finally cool down. The leaves start to change. There is pumpkin everything everywhere. This is the season that ushers in the best and most fun, family holidays.
This is also the season that held the darkest and saddest days I have ever known. The Fall is when I said goodbye to my daughter. This is the second I have faced without her. I still feel anger and heartbreak when I think of her and who she would be. What would be her favorite food? He favorite color? Would she have snuggled with me like her baby brother did the day we took her big brother to Kindergarten? Would the dogs make her giggle?
I struggle to think of the best way to recognize her “birthday”. Would she be proud of the way we honor her every day? Does she feel like she is slipping away? I ache for her and yet I feel so far away from her sometimes. In my mind, she grows alongside my boys. I see her now as an almost two-year-old, full of spunk and sass. Oh, how I miss her.
The seasons change and it doesn’t feel like it once did. Grief makes everything feel different. Harder, duller, less full of light. I can only take each day as it comes, however it comes. The sadness I feel even more this season is because the love I feel for her is so great.