Multiple Losses: Lightning Keeps Striking

August 8, 2017

After my first stillbirth, the doctors assured me that it wouldn’t happen again. They thought I had caught a virus that affected the pregnancy. It was a “fluke”. I was cleared for another cycle of IVF. I was “young and healthy.” The odds were “in my favor.” Lightning “doesn’t strike twice.”

So what do we do when lightning strikes for the second time? And again for a third time? A fourth? Or even more?

Initially I was so wrapped up in trying to understand why. Why does this keep happening to me? Why can’t I have another baby? Why did I finally get pregnant naturally just to have this baby taken from me too? Why do I have to get far enough in my pregnancy that we all get hopeful that maybe this time would be different only to have our dreams shattered again?

I’ve reached a point in my journey that I am done asking why. I will never know the answer to why. Even if I had an answer, no answer will satisfy me.

No explanation will justify why I had to say goodbye to my four children.

I’m at a point where instead of asking why, I am asking, “So now what?” I am the mother of five children, with only one living child. That is my truth. So what do I do with it?

I am choosing joy. I am choosing life.

I am practicing lots of self-care, surrounding myself with things and people that bring me joy, and letting go of things and people who don’t. I am taking care of myself and my family first. There are moments when I feel alive again and then there are moments where I feel like I am back at the beginning of my grief journey. There will be moments that all I can do is be physically still and breathe until the wave passes.

So here I am again. Picking up the pieces of my shattered heart again. Riding the waves of grief again. Holding on for dear life again. Knowing that I can and I will get through this again. One day at a time. Sometimes even one minute at a time. Sometimes it will be two steps forward, one step back. Slowly, but surely, I will get there.

  • Anjelina Marshall

    Anjelina is a mother and registered nurse from Chicago. She has one child at home, four children in heaven and her family is currently expanding through adoption. She hopes to bring comfort and peace to those who are also on their own journeys of infertility and child loss.

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