After my first stillbirth, the doctors assured me that it wouldn’t happen again. They thought I had caught a virus that affected the pregnancy. It was a “fluke”. I was cleared for another cycle of IVF. I was “young and healthy.” The odds were “in my favor.” Lightning “doesn’t strike twice.”
So what do we do when lightning strikes for the second time? And again for a third time? A fourth? Or even more?
Initially I was so wrapped up in trying to understand why. Why does this keep happening to me? Why can’t I have another baby? Why did I finally get pregnant naturally just to have this baby taken from me too? Why do I have to get far enough in my pregnancy that we all get hopeful that maybe this time would be different only to have our dreams shattered again?
I’ve reached a point in my journey that I am done asking why. I will never know the answer to why. Even if I had an answer, no answer will satisfy me.
No explanation will justify why I had to say goodbye to my four children.
I’m at a point where instead of asking why, I am asking, “So now what?” I am the mother of five children, with only one living child. That is my truth. So what do I do with it?
I am choosing joy. I am choosing life.
I am practicing lots of self-care, surrounding myself with things and people that bring me joy, and letting go of things and people who don’t. I am taking care of myself and my family first. There are moments when I feel alive again and then there are moments where I feel like I am back at the beginning of my grief journey. There will be moments that all I can do is be physically still and breathe until the wave passes.
So here I am again. Picking up the pieces of my shattered heart again. Riding the waves of grief again. Holding on for dear life again. Knowing that I can and I will get through this again. One day at a time. Sometimes even one minute at a time. Sometimes it will be two steps forward, one step back. Slowly, but surely, I will get there.