I Couldn’t Find Solace in Faith
I couldn’t find solace in faith.
I wanted to.
Oh, how I wished I could have found comfort in God.
I had never struggled with my beliefs before my loss. I had prayed and trusted in Him, never questioned His existence. Then, my world and all previous conviction changed. When my child died, I couldn’t believe and follow anymore.
In early grief, I blamed Him. I was full of anger and resentment. I couldn’t understand why God would allow me to fall in love with such a wonderful baby and then steal him away from me before I could even meet him.
In my eyes, he had done that to me, purposely slighted me.
I yelled at Him and demanded to know why. I never have gotten my answer.
My partner’s faith never faltered. He knew our son was in Heaven. It wasn’t easy, juggling my overwhelming doubt and his faith thriving as before, and the road it lead us down had many arguments and discussions along the way. I wanted him to understand me and why I doubted, to feel the same pain and abandonment I did. That was selfish on my part. Grief, like snowflakes, never comes in the same pattern. I was jealous of him.
Although he was sad and grieved, part of his world had stayed intact, while mine was crumbling away.
My next step in my faith was believing there was no God. It was easier to believe that He was not there than that he had forsaken me. Although, Atheism also meant my son was gone forever, for me to never see again. There was no chance at finding him in the afterlife, no images of him being held in the loving embrace of other loved ones. I need the hope for more. We did not have enough time, I want to make up for it with eternity.
All the well-meaning comments about my son being in Heaven or it being God’s plan were lost on me.
Now, I no longer feel bitter by religious comments about my loss but my journey on faith after loss is far from over. I have settled into an Agnostic outlook. I hope to find my way back to faith one day but I cannot force it. It has to happen in it’s own time. If your faith is something loss has impacted, know you are not alone. Whether your religious views bring you relief or you have to relinquish them, be gentle on yourself. We are all forced to find the new versions of ourselves, with no instructions on how to do so.
Guest story by Kaitlyn James