This week I looked out my kitchen window as I do nearly every morning at Madison’s Tree and my heart felt so heavy.
We planted a tree for our stillborn daughter Madison last Spring. It was April 2. On that day the year before, we found we were pregnant. It was also the same day that we launched Madison’s Closet, and it represented a milestone for us. We were beginning to build a legacy for the daughter we lost and so desperately missed.
I loved watching that tree as she filled with leaves through the Spring and early summer. We added a toad stool beneath her. My sweet husband put a light outside so I could still see her at night.
We chose an Autumn Blaze specifically because we knew she would be full of green leaves through the Spring and Summer and would blaze a beautiful red and orange as she transitioned to the Fall and her birthday on October 17th.
What I never really thought about was how I would feel when she lost her leaves.
And then one day this past week there she was. I know that this is just a season that she must go through as we all do, but it still hurt my heart.
This is what is feels like to be the mom of a little girl who is not here and who you desperately miss. The change of seasons, a rainy day, a tree that loses its leaves feels excruciating. Your head may tell you differently, but the pain sneaks in without warning.
We will wait patiently for the Spring to arrive with its healing sun and restorative rains, while trying to appreciate these days we have been given.