What I need
I have never been good at telling others what I need.
Losing my daughter complicated my ability to ask for help rather than sharpening it.
If I could have given myself one thing to get me through, when I stopped answering the phone and hoped no one would stop by, it would have been a voice to tell those closest to me what I will need most to get me through the days and years ahead…
I need to say her name without bringing everyone to tears.
I need her life to be included in the count of children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews.
I need kindness on birthdays and understanding on holidays.
I need to stay in bed and a reason to get out of it.
I need to talk endlessly and to let the phone ring.
I need an extra hug and respect for my space.
I need someone to ask how I’m doing and want to know the real answer.
I need careful announcements of pregnancies, baby showers and births, mine did not turn out as I hoped.
I need a “handle with care” sticker for my heart, my emotions have been fragile since the day I said goodbye.
I need patience and reminders for my mind, part of it will always be somewhere else.
I need forgiveness for not being the friend, sister, daughter and wife I used to be…
a lifetime is an impossibly long time to wait to hold my child again.