Quite frankly, this journey is wearing me out. The ups and downs, the twists and turns and then it all stops and sends us into reverse without warning.
This portion of the journey seems to just be flailing out of control. I am grieving for Aidan. Everyone is having first birthdays that we sit on the outskirts of. I am trying so hard to stay in the brightness of Kellan’s pregnancy. Of course, kidney infections and bouts of contractions take away some of that and let the fear take over.
We have passed the marker of 21 weeks and then we passed the goal of 24 weeks. Each and every day is another day that Kellan has a better chance. Of course, it is also another day that I sit in this room and try and distract myself. I can’t tell you how much gas or a gallon of milk costs. I can’t tell you the weather patterns or really what day we are on. (Hence this article running late) But I can tell you the last time I had a contraction, the last time I felt Kellan kick, and when our next appointment is almost to the hour.
Used to, I was able to focus and ensure that my time was spent saying Aidan’s name and trying to make a difference in this world. The bed rest is quickly catching up with me and suddenly I have hit that road block. I can’t go to meetings, or meet with other moms. I have entirely way too much time on my hands. You would think I would write more, but I’m having a hard time finding the words. I have built these walls around this pregnancy. I’m so focused on getting this baby here as safely as I can, that I have had to block out some of my grieving. This of course, means that all of the birthday parties and new baby Sundays have hit me by surprise. The guilt of realizing that I’m not actively grieving as much seems to make the pain that much more raw. So, I box up that pain and stick it away because I know I have to focus of this pregnancy.
It is a vicious cycle that is leaving me breathless and more than a little stir crazy. This part of the journey is double sided. I hope it lasts for at least ten more weeks, but at the same time I hope those weeks go by quickly and I am able to embrace both of my boys and return to the world where I can hold Kellan in my arms and Aidan in my heart.