Writing this month has been by far the most challenging for me. I am currently on the “withdrawal list” from life around me. Even posting to Facebook, Twitter, or any other social media site has been unwelcomed by this time in my life. I want it to all go away. Or I will go away from it.
Let me see if I can explain.
Earlier today, I was telling my husband I just couldn’t write this month, he said well then maybe you should write about that. I pondered that thought for a moment and knew I could go somewhere with that topic.
So here we are.
I know that there are seasons in my life when I pull back, withdraw from society as much as I can. In those seasons, such as now, I just want to have our family together as much as possible and forget about the world surrounding us for a while.
I used to try my best to fight the season and try to put myself into social settings and social media connecting with friends and so on, but that is so exhausting. That is exhausting because I would choose to “be okay” in front of them when that was all wrong.
The pressure that I put onto myself to be “okay” was ridiculous. I won’t do it anymore.
I could say I have just been too busy to write, but reality is that even when I am super busy I want to share my heart with others and that is simply not the case right now. I want to protect my heart and everything in it. I want to protect the sacredness of my family and the life and passing of our son. I want to grieve for our loss and protect what remains.
Grief. Yes grief is what takes me here. Grace is what helps me understand that it is okay to take this time for me and for our family.
It is during this time I feel the need to protect my boys more than ever. It is during this time I want to make the most of every single moment with each other. It is during this time I learn that I cannot always run to the finish line and accept that if I make it crawling there I will still be proud of myself and okay with the time it took to get to the other side.
Distance. Distance is what I want between my family and the rest of the world at this time. Adversity is what I feel like this creates.
Perseverance. Perseverance is what I know I must have a generous supply of. Belief in God is what I must maintain to accomplish anything ahead of me.
Focus. Focus on faith is what I must do on a daily basis, no matter what season of life I am in. Forgiveness is what I must give myself and the others that surround me.
Courage. Courage is what it takes to sit here and admit to the rest of the world I don’t want to be around you during this time. Realness is what that requires.
Acceptance. Acceptance of this time is what I have learned to do. Respect is what I give myself for taking the time to do it.
At the end of the day, a mom like me, that grieves daily, conscious or not, lives with the deafening silence of the echo of the name she never hears called.
The silence of the echo takes me to places of reclusion and the protection of my heart and my family. I often tried to figure out how to stop this from happening, but frankly it is not in my power. This is grief. Grief is part of my life. Grief is how I love, what I feel and almost eight years later, it isn’t going anywhere.
Taking care of my family means I have to take care of me too. I choose to embrace this time and not neglect the importance of letting myself feel this part of losing Matthew. In these moments, I find great healing.
Before I accepted this as part of my life, I would beat myself up for not being able to write, socialize or just chat with anyone. Why did I do that to myself for so long? I didn’t want to say no to anyone or let anyone down. I didn’t want anyone to know that I was “weak,” but because I tell you these things, I AM STRONG.
Today in the “quietness” of my life on the social scene, I remain grateful for the opportunity to share with each of you and I look forward to sharing in the months ahead.
For each of you I pray blessings of hope and love as I close with The Serenity Prayer.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.