What Infertility During Pregnancy Means to Me.
Infertility is literally a battle. It feels like you’re fighting a wall of barriers. Then the minute you get past that you find another barrier. Then another. Then another. It’s exhausting. Mentally, spiritually, physically.
When you see another woman plow through her barrier and win the battle (although the war is not won until you see that precious babe in your arms) you feel happy that’s one less person fighting the battle, but makes you feel that much more alone. That much more defeated. That much more defected. That much more behind.
Many people misconstrue these feelings as bitterness and jealousy, but it’s so much more than that. It’s just so exhausting. To the soul.
It’s wondering if this Christmas you’ll be pregnant. Maybe by my birthday? For sure by Mother’s Day. It’s planning Disneyland vacations around your 2 week wait because shaking a good embryo on its way to your uterus seems like such a waste.
And yet those dates come and go and you’re still left with nothing.
Then it finally happens. This Christmas you’ll be holding your baby in your arms. This Christmas you’ll finally get what no one person could ever give you. And yet you still feel the scars and bruises of infertility indelibly leaving their mark.
Do I just go on normally as if this baby connected to my body who’s receiving life from me every second of every day for nine months is going to stay quiet? The womb who couldn’t convince previous babies to sit down and stay awhile is really going to be on my side of things this time around?
It’s wishing that you could be ignorant again. Ignorant to the what ifs, the what nows, and the maybe laters.
It’s being pregnant but still feeling alone. You don’t fit in with the “opps” pregnancies but just fertile enough to be out of the infertile club.
It’s feeling the sting of betrayal anytime you even think about complaining about throwing up because you know how much work (and money) it took to pray to “The Porcelain God”.
Infertility is such a dirty word and you use it with caution especially after you find success. But no matter how much you want to distance yourself from that word it follows you around. It’s a word that you can’t simply shake off when you see those two lines staring back at you. It’s not something that defines you but something that your life is defined by.
And perhaps one day it’ll be ok. It’s like climbing that really crappy mountain, getting to the top, breathing the fresh air, and looking down at the world while thinking: “Finally. This is what everyone talks about.”