Those of us who have been through child loss know as well as anyone the power of a moment in time. Grasping those moments with the child you know you may not have long, and trying to survive in the meantime and the after. It’s so easy to slip into a depressive cycle after losing your…
In October my family and I took a road trip out to a very small country town called York. It is about a 2 hour drive from where we live in Perth. I was a bridesmaid for my gorgeous cousin Holly, who was marrying her Prince Charming, Adam. It was a beautiful day, the perfect wedding.
My entire family drove out for the wedding and my brother flew over from Melbourne to be the MC for the reception. As Holly and Adam said I do they were surrounded by butterflies and ladybirds. No one had released them for the occasion, they were just there. It was truly a spectacular sight to witness. I looked out at everyone in the garden. All of my family members. It is rare that we can all be together at the same time. Even with everyone there I felt a wave of sadness. I looked over at my Nan. She sat there with tears. I knew they were happy tears but I also knew her heart was heavy because her own Prince Charming couldn’t be there with her to watch their granddaughter be married. My beautiful grandfather passed away around 18 months ago. I looked over to my girls and coincidently there was a spare seat next to Scarlett. Christian should have been sitting there. These two gentlemen were missing.
As the day went on my grandfather and my son weighed heavily on my heart. It was such an emotional day for me, it probably didn’t help that I was sick with the flu and I had the worst hay fever I have probably every had. I dosed myself up on antihistamines so that my makeup wouldn’t run off and thankfully it worked. I had only a couple of hours sleep the night before as my darling daughters were not very well either. At the end of the night when Holly and Adam were saying their goodbyes to everyone under the stars this song was played and my world began to move in slow motion. Now if you know me, you would know that I have an incredible love for music of all genres. Music has helped my heart to heal in ways that I could never explain. Something happened to me as this song played. Something I have never felt before. Something that I will find hard to explain and to be honest I don’t even know how I will explain it so that you could fully understand what I experienced. I have only told one person about this experience that I had because it was so intense that I find it hard to talk about to my family, I figure it is easier to tell it to people who do not know me in real life if you know what I mean. Anyway as I watched my cousin walk around the circle of family and friends that had come to celebrate this beautiful day I felt a presence come over me. It was the warmest most beautiful energy I have ever felt.
And I had what Oprah would call an ‘Aha!’ moment.
Something that I don’t always make public is that I have always struggled with the belief that my son is living in an afterlife somewhere. I mean, I want to believe that but I think my ego kicks in and tells me how could there possibly be a heaven when such a horrible thing happened. Even with all the signs I have had over the years I still question it all. Well my questions came to a completely stop that night. Whatever happened to me there in that beautiful garden underneath the midnight stars, I know that I was with my entire family, not just those who were physically there, but those that are with me in spirit. They were there. He was there. I felt their love. It was intense and I was overcome with tears. Tears of pure joy. It was the first real time that my beliefs, my wants and my dreams had been confirmed. I felt that I was almost home again. I felt excited. Excited that I had been granted this connection to the rest of my family.
I believe that my family and I, we are walking a road together and sometimes along the road some of us get ahead. And some of us make it home faster than others but in the end we will all be together again. Like my friend Claire says, the only thing that separates us is time. My son skipped ahead of me. He made it home much quicker. But that doesn’t change anything on a spiritual level. We are still a family. A beautiful family. And we always will be.
A huge part of me healed on October 20th and I know I have my son and my other departed loved ones to thank for that.
Call me crazy, but I feel good, and that can only be a good thing, right?