Those of us who have been through child loss know as well as anyone the power of a moment in time. Grasping those moments with the child you know you may not have long, and trying to survive in the meantime and the after. It’s so easy to slip into a depressive cycle after losing your…
If I could, I would go back in time. I would endure the sickness, the weakness and the worry. I would go through all the scans and invasive medical procedures. I would be given hope, then false hope, then no hope at all, all over again. I would struggle through the labor and the humiliation of my placenta not budging from my womb. I would birth you again, even if it meant that you were still dead. I would do all this just to feel you move again, just to see your face again, just to hold you in my arms again. Even if it was only for a day.
If I could go back in time, I would start at the beginning of your life. I would lap up every minute that you were wrapped up safe in my womb, alive and breathing. I would photograph my pregnancy with you. I would keep a diary. I would have a baby blessing and let more people come to our home to place their hands over you. To let them tell you how much they love you. I would ask for more ultrasound pictures and a recording of your beautiful heartbeat. I would ask your Nan to knit you a special blanket. I would allow your sister to come into the hospital to meet you. I would allow your family to come and hold you. I would pick up my camera. I would photograph you. I would ask the midwives to photograph you and I together, no, wait, I just would just call Heartfelt instead. I would whisper more love to you. I would take you outside into the garden, into the warm Summer air and sun light. I would take more of your hand and foot prints and a lock of your hair. I would hold you longer. Much longer. I would fully breathe you in.
If I could go back in time I would have been there when they burned your body down to ashes. We would have held your memorial service by candlelight at the beach just before sunrise. We would have played beautiful music and thrown hibiscus flowers when we scattered some of your ashes in the ocean. I would have found the courage to speak, to tell the world how much you meant to me.
If I could go back and endure the pain of your death and the sorrow of your loss, I would, because I would get experience the love that you gave me all over again, in its rawest, most beautiful form.
I would still choose you Christian, for you chose me, so therefore I would and will always choose you, my darling son.