I can remember when grief was raw.
I can remember Christmas morning in 2009 crying under the Christmas tree, as my husband handed me something he wanted me to unwrap. It felt so wrong to even think about celebrating without our daughter. Later that afternoon my husband and I would skip town for a much needed getaway, and skip the family gatherings altogether.
I can remember when reminders were behind every door, through every window, at every store, in every book and movie.
As we prepare to meet Jenna’s little sister in 8 weeks or so, I feel so far removed from grief. Not by choice, but by time. By the constant ebb and flow of this thing called life. I have to believe it has a lot to do with this pregnancy. I hate feeling so far from grief.
Grief is what makes me feel close to her. It validates her existence. And as miserable as those early days of grief were, they were extremely comforting. Because when the world around me was quickly forgetting the beautiful little girl that graced our lives for 13 days, the intensity of my grief and heartbreak was ever present. Ever mindful of that beautiful little girl and our incredible loss.
I fear so much as this little girl gets ready to make her arrival.
Will I compare her to Jenna?
As I feared so much with my son, can my heart grow once again and love her for who God made her to be? This one makes me feel like the worst, most undeserving mom but it’s a fear that lingers. Of course, the first time I heard my son cry, that fear dissipated almost immediately. He was his very own miracle. And there’s really no other way to say it, but my heart grew in love for him.
Will I ever be close to grief again? I’ve learned over time that grief is sacred. It is a gift. The result of incredible love.
Pregnancy after loss is harsh at times. I’ve enjoyed this pregnancy more than I’ve ever been able to enjoy pregnancy, but there is always an element of bittersweetness. And this time around, it is the absence of grief rather than the oppression of grief and fear like there was with my son.
Are you pregnant after experiencing a loss? Do you find it to be harder in different ways if you have had more than one rainbow pregnancy?