To My Fellow Baby Loss Mama on What Would Have Been Her Daughter’s Fourth Birthday,

August 2, 2016

Sweet bereft mama, I see you.

It’s been years now since your baby and my baby died and I still can’t find the words to start this letter. I feel like, I of all people, a fellow loss mama, should know what to say on a day like today. But the truth is, almost four years later deep in this grief and the words still fail me when it comes to comforting other mothers in their darkest sorrows. This pain of living life after losing a child is just too wide. This loss too deep for words to do justice.

What I can tell you, is that when I saw that Facebook post of you holding your daughter’s picture in a frame with the words you wrote asking for us to celebrate that sweet baby girl on what would have been her fourth birthday, just moved me to tears. Here you were, a grieving mother who still, years later wanted to throw her little girl a birthday party, with us as your guests, just like any other mama does, even though she would never blow out those growing number of candles atop that beautifully baked cake.

I couldn’t stop thinking that you are one beautifully broken and brave mama!

You see, there is so much courage needed for a mama to live each day of life after losing her child. There is so much work involved in keeping our child’s memory alive. We, as their parents and memory keepers never forget. Not a day goes by where their name doesn’t slip through our soul. But over the years, saying that name out loud and to our family and friends no longer falls from our lips as easily or as quickly as it once did. We let our child’s name become more of a whisper than a roar out of fear that others are no longer willing to cohabit in our burden of bereavement we still bare.

I must admit that I am guilty of this too. My oldest and my deceased daughter’s name is not muttered nearly as often as it once was as the years past. The names that are shouted through the hallways of our house now are those of her siblings that came after. While the birthday cakes that are baked are for them too, there was a time when there were celebrations for her, but be it time or the natural grinding of grief my resolve to keep her memory alive outside of my own heart has grown dim.

But when I saw your heart plea yesterday, asking us to take a moment out of our day to celebrate your little girl’s fourth birthday by wearing pink and holding our living little ones closer today in honor of her, I knew I wanted to join in that celebration with you!

So sweet fellow bereaved mama, today I will wear pink in remembrance of one special little lady. It will be an honor to celebrate her life and legacy on what would have been her fourth birthday.

The gift I would like to give to her is to thank you, her beautifully broken and brave mama for showing me that no matter how many years it has been since my daughter died, I can still ask others to join in, in celebrating her life, no matter how many years have gone by. No matter how soft the whisper of her name has become off my lips.

Thank you, for being a beautifully broken and brave mama.

Happy Fourth Birthday Gracie. You are loved and missed.

With love and admiration,
Fellow sister in loss



~Today is what would have been Gracie’s fourth birthday. Her beautifully broken and brave mama Becky is looking for kindred and kind souls to help make this birthday a special one! Let’s celebrate Gracie’s life and the ever enduring love of a bereaved mother by sending some love and light Becky and Gracie’s way today by wearing pink or sharing her mama’s moving video and tribute to her special little girl. Thank you.  




candle photo credit

Becky Bakes photo credit

  • Lindsey Henke

    Lindsey is a baby loss mom, writer, and clinical social worker. She writes about her journey through grief after child loss using her professional knowledge to heal her personal pain on her blog Stillborn and Still Breathing.

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