Those of us who have been through child loss know as well as anyone the power of a moment in time. Grasping those moments with the child you know you may not have long, and trying to survive in the meantime and the after. It’s so easy to slip into a depressive cycle after losing your…
I always long for something other than the everyday ordinary happenings in life. I want the unexplained. The signs from heaven. But when those moments do occur, I dissect them and become the skeptic. I ruin them by trying to prove that they were nothing other than a coincidence. In truth I do not believe in coincidences but I think the rawness of his death overtakes me and makes me wonder how can anything so beautiful happen when something so awful did. There was no reason for his death and I don’t know if that is a good or a bad reality for me. Since he left me I’ve had the most incredible things happen to me that cannot be explained. If you had the time, I could speak all day about those strange and miraculous events. You would wonder why I try to ruin such gorgeous happenings.
In the 5 1/2 years since Christian died I have only ever dreamt of him once. It was that dream where I saw him on the beach with his Heavenly friends and they were all writing their names in the sand at sunset. He visits other people, my friends and family instead. I so long for him to come and visit me though. It wasn’t until a couple of weeks ago that I realized he will probably never visit me while I sleep. My ego is the reason that my son only ever visits through other people’s dreams rather than my own. I would try to prove that such a miraculous event was nothing other than a simple dream. The reason I have come to this conclusion is that a couple of weeks ago a friend of mine sent me a message on facebook. She’d had a dream about Christian. He was in an art gallery that had been created in his memory. As he took her around on a tour, he came to a section of the room that was filled with lanterns. He picked up a particular one to show it to her and as he held it in his hands he told her that it was his favourite one because the light from inside the lantern projected star lights around the room. He said it was so magical to him, because it brightened his life. Within the day I received another message from a highschool friend who’d had a very similar dream. Oh come on!
I cannot tell you what these messages meant to me. The day that my friend Kelly had dreamed of Christian showing her his favourite lantern I had gone out to the store and bought a star lantern for my girls bedroom. I had bought it because Scarlett wanted magical lights in her room at night, and the lantern that we bought her did just that, it projected thousands of tiny star lights around her bedroom. Before I went on my “dissecting the dream rampage” I realized that there really was no explanation for this other than my boy really loved the lantern that we bought and he wanted me to know that. If I had dreamt the dream myself I would have pulled it apart and wrote it off because I had bought the lantern the day before and that would have been the reason I dreamt such a dream. I would have missed his love, his message, his delight at something I did.
Now when something other than the everyday ordinary occurs, I embrace it. There is no point in trying to prove an event to be a coincidence. Because to me, there are not such things.