Shattered Soul, I am a Mummy

July 5, 2016

 I have carried a baby. I have felt the kicks, the hiccups, the turns and the flips.
I have shopped for those tiny little outfits, matching shoes and bibs.
I have had seen my babys face all scrunched up on the scans.
I have hand picked my child’s name – Jaimee-Rose. Beautiful.
I have given birth to a gorgeous baby girl.
I have dragged myself from my bed, as soon as I regained the feelings in my legs, eight hours after my c-section, just to be able to see, smell and hear my baby.
I have stood next to an incubator for hours at a time, just to be there.
I have laid in bed, breaking down, not knowing if my baby will make it. Next to a lady continuously moaning that her baby won’t stop crying, when I wished for nothing more than to hear my baby cry.
Everyday my heart breaks when I hear people moaning about how naughty their child is being, and how they are getting no sleep, secretly wishing that I could awake to my child.
My soul shattered the day my little girl was taken too soon. My eyes glazed over and dull, my skin pale, my heart aches, can I ever be the same? Do I ever want to be the same?
I miss my cute and cheeky baby.
I’m empty.
My heart is broken.
My arms ache for her.
My hands just want to touch her hair, her tiny hands and perfect feet.
How do I over come the anger? How do I ever overcome the constant loneliness?
I have made memories, I have the unconditional love. She just cannot be here with me in person, but Jaimee-Rose definitely left her spirit nearby.
What gets me through?


  • Beccy

    People ask why I am not angry after losing my J. My answer? Because, anger blocks memories and without memories we have nothing. I have my very own angel, I love her more than anything. XOXO

    Prev Post Next Post