Loss of faith after infertility

July 20, 2016

Hey Gods, anyone there?

I often imagine the gods up above us in their amazing world sitting in grand palaces, eating ambrosia.  They look down and watch over us like a child with an ant farm.  Yes, ant farm, you read that correctly.  They watch us with boredom in their eyes and think to themselves, “Oh yeah them. Eh, they are ok and still moving around.”

Now, I realize this article may offend and I could lose some readers, but I’m ok with that. This magazine is all about speaking from the heart and our own personal truths and I can’t be the only one who struggles with this.  I know many of us have had issues with questioning our faith.  Some have lost it, some have gained it, or some are like me who wax and wane and just don’t know if having faith makes it better or worse.

How can one believe when there are so many families that deal with loss and the grief we do?

How is there any sense in the following scenario;

Young teen is sexually assaulted, gets pregnant and decides to keep and parent the child.  The teen is a wonderful mother.  Years go by and the now school age child gets sick with something as common as say the flu, the child dies.

How does this make sense?  What “lesson” is to be learned?  What god would do this to this amazing woman who endured a rape, growing up before her time, a few wonderful years with her child, only to have that child taken away?  I know people will say, “God needed another angel.” or something equally, in my eyes, appalling to “help” but really things like that don’t help me and never have.  Stories like the one above make me so terribly sad and angry, so angry.

Where is this fair and just God(s) I hear about?  I just can’t bring myself to believe.  I wish I could!  I wish I had this faith to get me through the hard times but the longer I am on this infertility journey the more not believing makes me feel better.

Maybe someday I’ll circle back around and believe in my Goddess again, I know she will be there waiting for me.  Until that day comes again I will be hoping with a fragile hope for all of us.

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