I remember the first couple of weeks and months after saying goodbye to my precious Jonah at 30 weeks gestation due to a heart condition as extremely difficult and filled with so many ups and downs, I felt like a marionette doll living someone else’s life, because there’s no way that much sadness could be…
I feel like this past year has been a marathon.
I started out in a dead sprint; pure determination and survival mode.
Bringing Aidan home, preparing the services, burying Aidan.
The faster we got through it, the better we would fare.
Then the immediacy wore off. We were left alone. I spent six weeks at home trying to figure out how to return to a world without Aidan.
I went numb. I coasted. Time meant nothing.
Back and forth. Up and Down. Tears. Laughter.
This is the middle. The months that have flown by while simultaneously dragging on.
I was making sure I kept track and felt every single moment of them.
I’ve rounded that final corner. I can see his birthday looming. One year since everything went upside down.
Eleven months. We are picking up steam. Adrenaline is propelling me towards his birthday.
I look forward to his birthday. My heart breaks because it is also the day he went to heaven.
One moment; two life-changing events.
It is really hard for me to not focus on September. I just want to skip August all together. Why can’t we just be there already?
My goal for August is to soak in these moments. To try to remember this month last year. It was the best month of my life. I was really showing, we threw parties, planned weddings, bought bedding and clothes, spent each and every day cherishing our baby boy.
I want to spend each and every day cherishing him. So, that is my goal for this eleventh month. I started it off by returning to NWA and celebrating Aidan. It was hard. I was terrified. I was surrounded by love. I was cherishing Aidan and the moments we spent together there.
It was a perfect start to the beginning of the end of this first year.