Those of us who have been through child loss know as well as anyone the power of a moment in time. Grasping those moments with the child you know you may not have long, and trying to survive in the meantime and the after. It’s so easy to slip into a depressive cycle after losing your…
It was a beautiful spring day. The sun was high in the sky and it’s warmth kissed my face. A gentle breeze blew through my hair. It felt as though tiny little fingers were playing with my hair. I sat in the warm sun and my heart began to feel heavy. Tears streamed down my face and I felt alone. I closed my eyes and I wondered. I just wondered what it would be like if you were here, my little one. I wondered what it would be like to hold you, to give you a thousand kisses to see your smile, to hear your sweet little voice.
Just to be with you.
I then began to wonder if you were all right where you were at.
Do you have a nice bed to sleep in?
Do you have an Angel mamma and papa to look after you?
Do you have a teddy bear?
Are you warm at night?
Do you have someone to kiss your boo boos?
All of those things that a momma worries about… and my heart sank.
I put my face into my hands and I cried even more. As I sat in the warmth of the sun I felt a little tap on my shoulder. I looked up and saw a little Angel sitting next to me.
He asked me, “Why do you cry mamma?”
“I miss you my little one.”
He sat down on my lap and looked up at me and said, “Mamma you shouldn’t be sad. I am an Angel. I was made from love. And when I was born I was sent straight to heaven. I have no worries in heaven. I have no fear. I have no pain. Yet, Mamma when I see how sad you are this worries me.”
I said to the little Angel, “But you are not here my sweet one.”
Before I could say another word the little Angel stopped me and said, “Mamma, you are so worried about the things that I cannot do. But let me tell you about the things I can do and maybe you will not be so sad anymore.”
I looked at him and a smile came to my face, “Okay tell me.”
“Oh mamma you would not believe what a wonderful life you and Papa have given me. I have two very special Angels that look after me. They know you and papa. They have taught me many things. And Mamma, for my bed I have the most wonderfully fluffy clouds to sleep in and the softest blankets to cover me when I am cold…
And mamma I have a beautiful white teddy bear that I hold every night because I know that is what you wanted me to have. And Mamma, I see all of our family and they watch over me. I have the most wonderful time painting and singing and when I get a little older.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “Painting!? And singing!?”
“Oh YES, mamma, every time you see a sunset or a sunrise, I have been painting. Every time you hear a bird sing I am singing, especially for you. And when I get a little older they will let me polish the stars in the sky… (right now my hands are to small to hold the cloth).
And well, sometimes I get into a little trouble… But, all is forgiven in heaven and most just smile.
I smiled at my little Angel and I told him I was very happy for him and hearing all this made my heart feel better. But the little Angel must have noticed that I was still sad. “Mamma what else is troubling you?”
“My Angel”, I said, “I am sad because you can’t run and play with the other children here as well.”
Then the little Angel stood up and he began to flap his wings with such a fury that he took off into the sky.
Amazed, I was thrown back. He whizzed by me two or three times and then he gently landed in my lap.
“But mamma, I can fly!!” And he threw his arms around my neck and kissed my face a thousand times.
We both laughed. As I held my little Angel I whispered, “Thank you my sweet boy.”
“No, thank you Mamma. You have given me such a wonderful gift. In your eyes I may not be with you. But in your heart know that I will always be with you. Every time you see a sun rise or a sunset know I have painted it just for you. When you hear a bird singing I am saying I love you. When you feel a warm feeling on your face know that those are my kisses. Mamma, you and Papa made me from your love and that is why I am here. Know that I am in no pain, I have no worries and that you and Papa are always looked after and loved. And at night when you feel alone just ask and I will come and lay by your side.
“You are never alone Mamma and I love you very much.”
With that I hugged my little Angel so tight. I let him go and heard him say, “Now do you believe?”
“Yes my sweet one, yes”.
With a flash of light he was gone. And my heart felt a warmth that it has never felt before. And somehow the sun felt just a little warmer and the songs the birds were singing seemed just a little sweeter. As I walked away I whispered I love you on the wind and I felt a little warm spot on my cheek.
Thank you my sweet one. Your Mamma and Papa will always love you.