She Would Have Been Two

January 29, 2015

She would have been two today, my sweet Ariella Jade. I have no doubt that she’d be running around, delighted with presents and loving having her daddy home from work. We’d probably take her to the playground across from our house and watch her enjoy the sunshine.

But we don’t get to do that. She never even saw the sunshine.

Two.

TWO. My mind can’t grasp that. How has it been two years already since I first gazed on her beautiful face? Since I held her dainty hands and kissed her round cheeks? I wish she could hear us sing her happy birthday today, instead of only ever hearing our voices from the inside. All the things she missed out on…it’s just not fair. At all.

The funny thing is that I thought this birthday would be easier. I’ve felt “better” for a while now and that made me think that maybe I wouldn’t be such a mess. Ha. I think I was so distracted by my son’s first birthday and party that I was forcing the grief back. But then the party was over and so was feeling “better.”  I’m grateful for those months were I could disconnect from the grief somewhat, but oh how it hurt to have it all flood back.

She would have been two…and the more I think of that, the more I realise I just cannot imagine her as a two-year-old. I see girls born at a similar time every week at church and I can’t picture her like them, grown up, playing. Would she be the one playing with dolls, making shapes with playdoh or jumping down the slide?

I have no idea, because she never got the chance to do any of them. And right now I just can’t get past how much that sucks. To not know what your own child would like as a birthday present?
Ouch.
To never see them smile on any day, yet alone a birthday?
Double ouch.

hands

My darling Ariella Jade, I wish you were here with us today. I wish we could spoil you with your favourite things and let you eat all your favourite foods. We’ll take your brother to the zoo and I’ll be imagining you with us too.  Running along, probably trying to skip, and delighting in the animals. I love you baby girl, forever and always.
Mama.

  • Larissa Genat

    Larissa is wife to Marcus and mama to four, including one precious girl lost to stillbirth. She writes about her daughter and life after loss at Deeper Still.

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