I want to write. I’ve felt the itch to write all day. I know what I want to write about, and what I want to day. I feel the push. But I’m holding it back.
I don’t think I’m ready. I don’t want to lay it out for the world to see. I don’t want to explain, I don’t want to show, I don’t want to get out from under this blanket I’ve hidden under. I’m ashamed of how I feel, and I don’t want to open up that raw skin beneath for people to judge. I don’t want people to give me their opinions of my thoughts, feelings, mind or heart. I’m scared.
This is usually the point where I push myself through it. I make myself write and put it out there, crossing my fingers that I’ll actually feel better about it. Maybe if I just go around…
I don’t want my thoughts or feelings misconstrued. It’s very specific what I’m feeling, and hope someone out there can relate.
I’m tired of no.
I’m tired of rules, and statistics, and planning, and strategies. I’m tired of hearing all of the limitations. I’m tired of not being able to let myself hope too far or too much. I’m tired of my eyes being opened up so much to how unfair life can be. I just want to go back.
Back when it was simple and the sky was the limit. When dreams were not only available, but within reach. When I was naïve and thought that if I wanted something bad enough, it would happen.
Now for the back-tracking. I love my life. (Not like, love!) My husband and my little boy are my world, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Most days, I see that and feel that, and I’m good with the ‘No’s. Most days, I really understand that I wouldn’t have my boys without those ‘No’s. And then there are days like this.
I know what to do to get myself away from these dragging thoughts. I need to get myself busy and stay there. Surround myself with things that make me happy, and not let my mind wander too much.
The difficult part is wanting to get out of this funk. Sometimes, like today, I just want to sit in it for a bit. Not to get sympathy, not to pout or say woe is me, but to recognize and validate these feelings. This is a part of me. Albeit, not my favorite part, but it still makes up who I am. I want to recognize these feelings so I can understand them better. This is where healing comes from.
So this is pretty horrible now, and I’ve lost a day I could’ve spent laughing, but I will get through this. I will wake up tomorrow better for it. Some people have called it strength. I’m not strong. I’m just doing what I have to do to be better.
If you have a friend or loved one that is dealing with infertility, please have patience. Understand that they are fighting a battle that isn’t tangible. It’s against their hopes and dreams. They are coming to terms with the fact that sometimes the world just isn’t fair, and figuring out where to go from here. They spend thousands of dollars and dozens of hours fighting for the smallest of maybes, and most of the time, they get only more heartbreak. Some people ask why. I say, what would you do for your dreams? What would you sacrifice to make them come true?
So tell them you had dreams that have ended in ‘No.’ Think of the feeling that came with the realization that what you wanted wasn’t what you were going to get. From that, you can understand one another, and maybe yourself, a little better. Both sides have to participate in knowing it isn’t a contest, but an out pouring of emotions that previously didn’t have an outlet. And sometimes the best thing you can do is look and them and say, “Yeah, that sucks. Who wants ice cream?”
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