A friend recently told me that she was planning on having “the talk” with her son, and while she sat before me fidgeting over which details she should or should not include in “the talk,” she asked me my opinion about how honest a parent should be.
“I plan to be totally honest,” I said.
“Totally honest?” she asked.
“Yep,” I replied. “When my kids ask, ‘Mommy, where do babies come from?’ I will look into their eyes and tell them the truth.”
My friend gulped.
“I will tell them that when two people really love each other, they get in the car, drive down to the clinic, and meet with a nice doctor to discuss their options. The doctor will then take the woman into a room with several students awkwardly watching, and use a large magic wand to look inside her belly, while the man tries to not pass out from embarrassment. Later, the man will be given a plastic cup and a brown bag and told to go to a room at the end of the hall where he will find a leather couch covered in paper and movies. He gets to pick whichever one he wants to watch, but Mommy instructed Daddy to make sure the one he picked wasn’t sticky—we will talk more about that in a few years.
While she is waiting for his movie to finish, the woman gets the joy of reading as many out of date magazines that she wants in the waiting room. After that, every day at the same time, the man will show the woman how much he loves her by shooting her in the rear with a large needle, regardless of where they are at that particular moment (a Taco Bell parking lot in Rutland, VT, for instance) and the woman will try not to bite his head off for breathing too loudly when it is hot in the room, or threaten divorce when he orders the wrong topping on her pizza, especially around injection time.
A few months later, once her rear is black and blue, her ovaries are the size of grapefruits, any inhibitions she ever felt about having her lady parts examined are gone, and her arms are covered in enough track marks from all the daily blood draws to warrant an intervention, the man and woman will get back in the car, drive to the clinic, and see the nice doctor with the magic wand who will put a baby (or two, or three, or eight) into her belly, making her a mommy.
That, I will tell them, is where babies come from.”
I guess there are some benefits to being an infertile after all