Those of us who have been through child loss know as well as anyone the power of a moment in time. Grasping those moments with the child you know you may not have long, and trying to survive in the meantime and the after. It’s so easy to slip into a depressive cycle after losing your…
Somewhere over the rainbow
And the dreams that you dream of
Dreams really do come true*
Somewhere over the rainbow I get to be his mom. Maybe it’s Heaven, maybe it’s an alternative world or place, but I know that somewhere I get to be his mom. I get to kiss his skinned knees and cuddle him until he falls asleep. I get to bring him home from the hospital and there are no surgeries, no NICU, and no death. I simply get to be his mom.
I can see it so clearly sometimes. My twin boys are playing together and their little sister giggles, chasing them trying to tag along. My husband and I are walking hand in hand and we don’t know death. We don’t ever have to kiss him goodbye- only kisses goodnight. Our family is whole and complete and the pain that lives with us every day isn’t there.
Somewhere I get to be his mom. He is mine and I am his, and one day, somehow, we’ll have that.
This is the thought that gets me through most days. This is the thought that allows me to be able to blink past the tears when I see our two living children running and playing in the park or at the zoo. Because now, those are the moments that hurt. I love and cherish the times when we are a family in blissful moments. There is nothing better than seeing our kids play at the park and run and chase each other on a sunny day. But those moments are also the most painful. I always wonder and imagine how it would be with our son that never saw the sun. It’s a very indescribable place to be when your happiest memories with your family are also covered in pain.
As winter leaves and spring arrives the weather finally is allowing us to be outside. We are not cooped up in the house any longer and the spring sunshine is a beautiful awaking after a cold, harsh winter. In a lot of ways I think that when spring comes it is so reflective of my journey through the first year after my son died. He died in August, and the fall and winter following his death were incredibly difficult for me. I grieved so hard and we were barely picking up the pieces. My first Mother’s Day was the first really nice day we had in Spring, and the first time we left the house for a family outing. We visited the zoo and it was the first time I remember feeling that no matter where our family went- we would always be together. (You can read about my first Mother’s Day as a bereaved mother here.)
Each Spring I again have those same feelings. The beautiful sunshine brings me out of my deepest grieving and with it brings beautiful family moments. And when the sun shines and I look up to the sky I know my son is there. I imagine how it would be if we were all together. We would no longer be a family of five that looks like four, but simply a family of five.
Most often after we have a beautiful, sunny, family day like this I lay in bed thinking about this other place where I do get to be his mom. I don’t know if it’s Heaven, or if it lives only in my dreams. But there is where my heart wants to be the most. I do feel as though one day I’ll get there. One day I will see my son again. I imagine me old and frail and looking forward to death, because that is the place where I can see him again. It will be my ‘Over the Rainbow’; my little slice of Heaven when my heart will be full and my son in my arms.
Someday I wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney top
That’s where you’ll find me*
* Lyrics from -‘Over the Rainbow’ by ISRAEL KAMAKAWIWO’OLE