Recently I was in a situation where someone grieving came to me. Someone who had never gone through infertility or loss before. One could say that at first I was slightly closed off until I realized how new this was for my friend and that I wasn’t talking to someone who knows all about these feelings and what was happening. With my first and second losses I had no one to go to; I was on my own to deal with my emotions and what was going through my mind. This made me remember the Before.
Remember when the thought of getting pregnant held do much promise and wonder? It seems a lifetime ago that I had that feeling.
Remember when being pregnant meant you would take home a baby after 40 or so weeks? I know so many of us will have a very hard time relaxing and fully enjoying being pregnant, if we ever get pregnant and stay pregnant.
Remembering how scared and devastated I was. I mean, I still am, but each subsequent loss felt different. As time goes on and I don’t get pregnant I just assume it won’t happen.
I remember not being jaded, vaguely.
I realize there is no going back from this, from any of it. It changes you, everything you were and are. We will never be the same people we were in the Before. Ever wonder what we would be or doing had losses or infertility never entered our lives? I wouldn’t be here writing. I wouldn’t be running support groups helping women get through this. I do think about who I would have become almost everyday though.
I’m sure you all remember the Before too, right? I was forever changed almost 11 years ago. February 21, I had turned 20 just 5 days before.
What was your Before?
As promised in my January article, here is your little piece of brave. This piece was made by one of our writers, Beth Morey of Epiphany Art Studio. Her dress says, “Once upon a time there was a girl and she was given a new name that fit her ever so much better – Brave One.”
I chose to share this piece because we all evolve and change in this journey. Though we don’t come out of this without wounds, we come out braver, harder yet more empathetic and compassionate and we all need a new name to go with our new selves.
You can find this piece and all of Beth’s other amazing prints here!
{Your Thoughts}