The day after we lost Joshua my mom gave me a ring to wear with his birthstone. I wore it every day for four and half years. Last month I noticed that one of the amethyst stones was missing. A prong had got bent and broke allowing the pale purple stone to fall out. I…
She was due on the 18th of February; set to come rushing into our world on the tails of cold winds and winter snows. Yet, I was barren.
That was four years ago.
I still think about her every day. I can still picture that scene, her face, that moment frozen in time as if it were yesterday. Four years later, it can still make me cry.
Four years later, I can smile.
I have seen the tremendous impact a life gone too soon can leave on this world and it’s not barren as I was, but so incredibly full with blessing after blessing. It is amazing how that can be as incredibly true and real as she is. My daughter.
I have found that traveling this path, passing these dates that will forever be etched upon my heart and in my mind and I can live. I can count them not as years lost but as years gained toward the day in which I will see her beautiful face again. I can offer a hand and a piece of my heart to another knowing it is an extension of her. I can support and grieve with those I have met on this journey knowing I have been gifted with these friendships because of her. My love grows stronger, if that is at all possible. Grace covers me. I see clearly the trail of tears that has led me to a place of mostly peace.
This month, this year, did come rushing in on me, over-taking me in its cold winds and winter snows. It has dragged me through hell, honestly. Days and weeks passed and I was unaware of all that was in my peripheral vision. It’s not been because of the death of my daughter, however. It has not been that dreaded reminder of what should or could have been that has brought me to my knees. In fact, I have felt her spirit with me many times through it all. A tiny soul gently urging me to continue, when honestly, I didn’t know or believe if I really had the strength to. The little soul I couldn’t save, essentially saving me. That’s what children do, right?
That’s what mine do; they save me.
They ground me. They give me an unconditional love worth living for. Hannah gives me an unconditional love worth living for. She lives in me. In my heart. In my deeds. Not in vain. No, never once have I believed her life was to be in vain.
So as I passed that date, that day I expected to welcome my middle child, life seemed to call. A still, small voice settled in my soul, allowing me to breathe again. Because I know. And I realized something perhaps that hasn’t taken many others as long to realize.
I was due.
Due to live this life. Enjoy it. Grasp it with all my might and surround myself in the beauty all around me.
I’d like to share some of that beauty with a giveaway. Share with me the little life that has changed yours. I’ll be giving away a car decal in your choice of blue, pink/purple, or brown. Make sure you like our page as well over at www.facebook.com/sotrshop