Skipping Christmas

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Skipping ChristmasI desperately want to skip Christmas this year.

Not the feeling.

Not the tree.

Not the decorations or the snow or the beauty.

Just the day. The day before and the day of.

I want it to be over. Done. Where I can stop thinking about a day I had planned in my head with a baby. Finally.

I did this already. I had a sad last Christmas, missing what should have been a crazy ride home with a 3 year old and 4 month old twin boys in the car. It should have been insane. I knew it.

Instead it was quiet and sad. I felt guilty for ruining it for everyone.

But this year was going to be different. We would be bringing home a grandson to my parents house. Also 4 months old. Always missing my twins but my heart would be happy again.

It didn’t work out that way. I don’t understand it. So I want those hours that I had played over in my head as I cradled my belly and waited for the birth of my third son – I want those hours gone. Over. Back to being sad for an abstract life instead of one I really had envisioned. We talked about going away. Flying east, heading south. Anywhere new and different. It might not hurt so much somewhere else.

Then I look at my daughter.

This is her 4th Christmas. Full of wonder and joy. She just now understands the concept of Santa and Jesus’ birthday. Her anticipation of Christmas beams out of her shining eyes when she talks about it, over and over. “When will we go to Nana and Papa’s? How many days? When is Santa coming? Will he be on the roof? Can I see him? Where is the snow?”

It’s a constant, gentle reminder to me that these holidays aren’t just about me and my grief. They’re also about me being a mother to the little girl I am blessed to raise. And to take away Christmas from her this year – I can’t do that. It won’t bring me any more joy or comfort to skip or downplay it.

What happened to my sons happened. They are gone and I will miss and long for them forever. Every holiday, every event, every milestone will hurt for the rest of my life in some small way.

But she’s there waiting for me to make it magic for her, despite the pain and sorrow.

So we won’t skip Christmas this year. Why should any of us have to deal with more sadness? Maybe one year we’ll change it up and it will be the best thing for us. Not this year though.


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Diana Stone About Diana Stone

Diana blogs at Diana Wrote about her life with a daughter here and three sons in heaven, life as an army wife, and her faith. Smaller glimpses into her day are on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.

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  1. Speaks to my heart. Two years ago on Christmas Eve, we had to send one of our cats to heaven. They were our babies before our son. My son was 2.5 at the time. I really wanted to postpone Christmas even for a day as he wouldn’t know the difference, but with moments of tears, we still made it through. Last year? I was in the middle of miscarrying our 2nd child who was to be due this past August. I officially miscarried on December 26th. I only made it through Christmas with the help of my parents, husband and brother and, of course, the joy of my then 3.5 year old son. In the time since, I’ve gotten pregnant again and lost again. I’ve been doing all I can to distract myself with everything else this month from my new full time job to filling our weekends with so many activities that they are overflowing. Yet there are still moments. Moments where I just want this month over and done. Moments where I want to yell at God again and beg him please, please let me get through this Christmas without a loss. I see others celebrating Baby’s First Christmas. And they should. But it hurts. It hurts again and again. We should be too. Or I should still be pregnant with the 2nd angel. But I’m not. I just keep clinging to prayer and my sweet, healthy, happy, joyous 4.5 year old. I pray for your family and ours as we search for the joy, beauty and happiness this month in spite of the holes in our heart.

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  1. […] I was really looking forward to reading a post on Skipping Christmas from Still Standing, a magazine for infertility and child […]

  2. […] Skipping Christmas - Why I don’t mind the idea of Christmas, but I wish the day would be gone and done this year. […]

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