Guest post by Abby
To the mother who visits the cemetary every day, you are doing it right. And the mother who can’t bring herself to order the headstone, you are doing it right, too. Celebrating your baby’s birthday and talking about him or her at every opportunity is great. And it’s completely okay to be unable to utter that sweet baby’s name.
The truth is we are all doing it right. Each of us loves our baby. We love them so much our hearts are broken. And broken hearts tend to make us quick to judge and fiercely defensive. In the two years since my son, Davis, died, I’ve met dozens of baby loss moms. One thing we all have in common is that we are all convinced we are doing it right. And we all feel like we are doing it wrong. And, unfortunately, we’ve all felt the need to justify and explain our grief.
You are doing it right. And you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone.
There is no one right way to grieve any loss, especially not this kind of loss. Baby loss is so impossibly difficult because it is unnatural.We shouldn’t be forced to learn to live without our children, but we are. I’m here, you’re here, and neither one of us want to be.Neither of us know how to do this, yet we are both, in all our differences, doing it exactly right.
Deep in your soul, you know what soothes your broken heart. Even though you can’t hold your baby in your arms, you still have maternal instinct that drives how you memorialize and honor your baby. Follow it. This Christmas, we decided to order Davis a personalized stocking to hang on the mantel with our other children’s. It felt wrong to leave him out, yet I had done so because I didn’t want to make extended family uncomfortable or put a damer on holiday festivities. I can’t wait for it to arrive. And I can’t wait to see the names of all four of our children hanging above the fireplace this Christmas.I don’t care how it makes everyone else feel. He is my son, and having his stocking on my mantle will make me feel more whole.
I urge you to unapologetically follow that mama instinct–wherever it may lead you, because that will be the place you will begin to find peace. Trust that in your way, for your baby, you are doing it just right.
{Your Thoughts}