I See You

pregnant after loss

pregnant after loss

My belly is round.

My baby is moving, healthy, and growing inside.

It was a long time coming after a hard battle with infertility.

The fear is still there after 12 losses and scary uncertainty.

I am happy, hopeful, and excited.

Looking to the future with plans, dreams, and hope for him.

And I see you.

I recognize that glace, that look you put my way.

I can see the pain, sadness, and anger.

I am so sorry.

I recognize that look, I’ve seen it on my own face.

I’ve given the same glance, filled with pain, sadness, and anger.

Not that long ago. To women carrying a life inside them. No mistaking it.

I wish I could hug you and tell you I understand.

I understand.

Pregnancy after infertility and multiple loss can be a strange situation. I want to celebrate and be happy, but fear and anxiety holds me back. I want to shout from the roof tops that a rainbow baby is entering the world and enjoy this, but part of me feels wrong about doing so.

I have been that person giving the glace to a seemingly unaware pregnant woman and wishing things could be different for me. I have been angry and upset that everyone around me seems to be pregnant and unaware of just how quickly things could turn.

I wish I could convey with a quick look that I am not taking this for granted, that I understand how painful it can be to look in my direction, and that I hope with all my being that you can be here one day too.

Photo credit: adapted from kevinmklerks / Flickr

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    Devan McGuinness

    Devan McGuinness

    Devan McGuinness is the founder of the online resource Unspoken Grief, dedicated to breaking the silence of perinatal grief for those directly and indirectly affected by miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal death. Using her own experience of surviving 12 miscarriages, Devan has been actively supporting and encouraging others who are wading through the challenges associated with perinatal and neonatal loss.

    October 10, 2013
    October 11, 2013