When My Future Castle Crumbled

October 2, 2013

Guest post by Nikkia

Yesterday was Abigale’s 3 month anniversary for any of you dealing with a still birth you will understand this. I was 1 day from being 37 weeks and soon turning the big thirty when my future castle crumbled around me like little pieces of sand. Life as I knew it would never be the same nor would I.

I found myself reflecting and replaying it all over in my head as usual. Angel Mommies & Daddies hold so much guilt and wish we could turn back time imagine if we all had DeLorean DMC-12 used as time machines in “Back To The Future” we could use. To go back to that moment you were told your baby was gone and change it so you can hold them and raise them as you envisioned. The two words that are burned in my mind forever “SHE’S GONE”.

I decided after being awake an hour to grab her picture and tell her the story of the day she was born. Lit a candle….as I do alot of nights but instead had it burn all day. The night previous had decorated her picture frame with butterflies. That evening bought a beautiful white colored rose edged in pink. Would have put flowers on her grave but have been unable to find the courage or strength to visit her peaceful resting place since the day family and friends buried her. She was and always be my little princess; the only difference now is she is a princess in heaven with wings. Plan for today is to honor her memory by buying pink helium balloons to attach hopes and dreams I had for Abigale Vivian Marie Noiles (Kilfillen).
The Idea is to release the balloons later over water and hope I find a bit of relief.

Personally had been through alot in my past never imagined this could happen, No one plans for this. Could I ever understand this continual pain that came after I gave birth to her and this hole that is still so dark and lonely??? I knew she was coming early I was beyond the moon and back with excitment super ready for her apperance 🙁 just never expected it this way. Her father and I couldn’t wait to hold her in our arms or see her first smile or twinkle in her eyes. Her half brother couldn’t wait to meet & play with his sister. Grandparents were enthused and excited for her to join us. Abigale had a wardrobe for a perfect spoiled fashionista/diva. Nursery was set up awaiting her arrival, had her bassinet in my room close by for feeding action and to hear every moment she stirred.

Now these are all just memories of how my baby was supposed to live and grow. Her father and I are left trying to find our new normals.If I wrote all the hopes and dreams I had for her this post would be a book. The last three months have been moments in time that have been a pause a rewind or a fast forward. Traveling in my mind and soul hoping to find that light I had for life. I leave you now with this hope that after this loss we all find our light again and joy for life. I’m still searching for that moment I can continue on with mine that has been blown out.

We unite together as angel parents and our baby’s memories can never die.

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