Guest post by Susanna
There is a special place in our bedroom. It is a place where Archer and Logan will live and grow. I have two bedside tables pushed together. They were meant to be in our sons’ bedroom, but our boys will never have a bedroom in our house. They will never run through the halls nor slide down the banisters. What they will have, though, is a sacred place which steals my heart. On this table is a Mahogony Wood box holding the ashes of my sons. I have not learned to part with them. I know they are not there. They are in the sunlight, and the morning mist. They are in the cold breezes and the warms winds. Yet, I could never bury them. They will be buried with me and I can hold onto them when I need to until that time comes.
Within the box are toys and hats we bought just for Logan and Archer. Next to the box are vests we bought them mere days before they died. Logan’s is grey and Archer’s is black. I know their personalities as if they were here with me today. On this table I have a growing testament to their lives. There are pictures and shells, candles and rocks. I have Christmas ornaments honoring their space in my heart and Mother’s Day presents evidencing their existence. Within their drawers I hold their Baby Books. I have written of my pregnancy, of my hopes and my dreams, of my love and loss. I have kept the cards people have sent. The ones I have not thrown out. When I first came home from the hospital I wanted nothing to do with “condolences”. What was a condolence going to do for me? I wanted my boys. I wanted my sons. I wanted my Archer and I wanted my Logan. But, as time passed, all I wanted was anything that would remind me and prove to me that I was happy once. I was blindly and innocently happy and unaware that my heart could be shattered. The drawers also hold the blankets that people have given me. Oh how I wish my babies were wrapped in these blankets, snug in my arms. They are not. All I have is this space and all of my memories.
If you can, build yourself a sanctuary to honor the child or children you are unable to kiss goodnight. Find a space within your house which you can add to as you learn to live. Add to this space as if your child was growing in front of your eyes. Treat your child as part of your family which continues to grown over time. When you can, allow yourself to feel joy as you create memories of your baby. Use this space to lay flowers or to pray. Allow yourself to find strength in the memory of your joy and the love you have for your baby. Allow yourself to live.