Miscarriage can leave scars on our hearts far beyond waiting for the physical reminders to go away. In it’s place comes something that can stay with us far longer than we ever realized and ever hoped. That’s the strange thing about grief and our experiences, even when we don’t expect it to — it can shape our view of the world. And that’s a complicated thought.
Having gone through what I have, I feel like I can see the beauty in a lot more than I had before. I see the love of my husband more clearly, the love for my children who are here on the Earth with me, I see the beauty in noise and chaos. I can take what would have seemed like a larger deal and realize, in the big scheme of things — it really could be worse.
And then there’s the other side of all that — how my experiences shape my views in ways that I really could do without. I can feel out of control when it comes to normal human functions, be caught off guard by small daily trigger reminders and a loss of innocence in many happy times.
I just fought through 14 months of infertility to add to our family. I happily and finally got pregnant in April of this year and those two pink lines on the test — for most, would be a thrilling and exciting time for a couple who tried for over a year through planning, medication, and stress to see that sign.
For my husband and I though, it wasn’t that way. Those two lines meant more than we’re finally bringing another life into the world. It meant more worry for us — a stoic stance where others would be celebrating and rejoicing. We were holding our breath — expecting the worst to happen, yet hoping we can protect our hearts.
I’m sitting here, feeling this new life move in my belly. 23 weeks pregnant with our 4th child, our second boy and unlike other expecting parents who are planning their nursery, debating which stroller to buy, and a mom wonder how much bigger she could possibly get — I hold my breath, pleading for him to be OK, planning out our next high-risk appointment to check his growth, heart, and realizing I have very little control over it.
That’s something I really miss about pre-loss days — the innocence of pregnancy. It’s also something I won’t ever get back — it’s a new scar on my heart — both of our hearts. Something that has stayed with me longer than I ever realized.
Photo credit: image adapted from shioshvili | Flickr