I’ve pondered how to write about this very sensitive subject without ruffling any feathers but still being true to myself. I apologize in advance if it makes anyone uncomfortable but I feel like it’s a topic that often goes untouched. So here’s my attempt at pulling this bulky book off the shelf, dusting it off and opening it up to look at its contents.
I grew up in a very devout Mormon home. Faith was an integral part of my life for a majority of my years. It saw me through so many rough days and it blessed me with many happy times. In church I was often taught that your faith never stands still. It either moves forward or backwards. And that’s exactly what happened to me.
Infertility changed me. It changed my marriage. It changed my sense of self. It changed my faith in God.
So many times you hear of how faith in God helps a person through the storms of life. It may draw them away during trying times but often rallies them in to offer comfort and healing. For me it has been a much different journey. Different doesn’t mean better. It just means it is what has worked for me. Oftentimes a threat to faith is a threat to identity and character and I hope this article does not come across that way.
After Jayda was born premature I remember looking in at her fragile body clinging to life and I began to question everything. I questioned God. Surely if He loved me He wouldn’t put his children through so much heartache. I tried turning to God. I prayed so much next to her little plastic home in her hospital room. I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing.
The doctors and nurses were my angels. They sustained her life. They offered me comfort. They wrapped their arms around me and offered a shoulder to cry on during the rough days.
All the while people would try to offer me comfort or offer credit to an absent being.
“We’re praying for you.”
“Keep the faith.”
” Everything happens for a reason.”
Although well meaning, what was meant to comfort offered none at all.
Science was my comfort. Science kept my little girl alive. And later when we were dealing with infertility science was constant. Knowledge gave me autonomy and power. I felt like I could conquer this instead of waiting on someone else to make it happen for me.
Often throughout my life I’ve wondered how someone not of faith handles the death of a loved one or even worse the death of their own child. And on the other hand, how do they justify miracles as just coincidence?
I don’t pretend to have all the answers and I’ve let go trying to make sense of it all. I don’t worry about the ifs, whys, or where I came froms. I just am enjoying life and all of the mysteries it brings. Heartaches and all.
What I thought as happiness because of religion actually turned out to be within myself all along. After I let go of my faith I thought I would become hopeless, about life and about death but it’s actually been quite the opposite.
Letting go of my faith has given me more reason to live. All this time I thought there was a monopoly on happiness in a supposed afterlife that I somehow forgot to live this one. And now I realize I may have wasted so many precious moments in hopes of a life I may never get to live.
I could not find meaning in a God who gave children to the woman who stood up in church and said, “I’m so grateful to Heavenly Father for trusting me enough to be a mother.” All the while he left my womb empty as some kind of test of faithfulness. No, I don’t believe in such a vicious, cold father. Letting go of my faith has let go of my shame that a just God was punishing me for some unknown reason.
That’s not to say I don’t hold out hope for God or for a life after this one. I just hold out hope for a God that leaves far less scar tissue. Voltaire in his wisdom once said, “Doubt is uncomfortable, certainty is ridiculous.”
I try to live every minute of my life. I hold my children closer because of what it took to get them here. And I hold them close because I’m not sure there is a life after this one and I’m not sure if this is the last day I’ll ever spend with them.
Life is precious. Life is sacred. Live it the way that makes you happy and you’ll have no regrets.
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