Guest post by Lala
He is my sunshine. The light at the end of this dark, cold tunnel.
The one who gives me constant hugs and kisses. And the only one (who literally) asks me on a daily basis, “you okay?”
He is so sweet. So wise. And he’s only three years old. He’s Ezra’s big brother.
It has been 6 months, 1 week, and 6 days since we said hello and goodbye to our darling boy. It is a day by day battle, finding this new normal of mine; but surprisingly, it has gotten a little bit easier because of Andres.
My husband is great! I know I can count on him too. (But we do grieve differently). I go to therapy and blog as other outlets for grieving, but there really is nothing like the joie de vivre of a toddler to make you appreciate and love life. And live in the moment in order to not miss out on anything.
I am still grieving the loss of my second son. And I know I will always grieve Ezra. Andres knows this. Brother’s pictures are everywhere. We talk to brother at night while singing “twinkle twinkle little star.” We say goodnight to brother every night. He knows. He knows a lot more than I give him credit for sometimes.
And when I’m sitting quietly to my thoughts and tears might start to fall, he always seems to hug me tighter and ask, “you okay Mama?”
Oh, how he warms my heart with his loving compassion. I like to think it is Ezra’s subtle way of telling his big brother to keep an eye on Mama.
It really is like Andres knows the perfect time to give me a big hug or a kiss on the cheek. He knows the perfect time to hold my hand. He knows the right time to ask for the park because Mama really needs some fresh air. He knows when he should give me one of those amazing smiles that makes my heart smile and thank God (at the same time) for allowing me one living son.
For I should have two boys to hold in my arms. Andres should have a little brother to play with.
But we don’t. And this reality hurts me every single day.
My heart is still in so much pain, because the moment I found out I was pregnant with Ezra I fell in love again. And 40 weeks 6 days later, a big piece of my heart broke, which is a piece made especially for him.
You see, a mother has room in her heart for all her children. (Living or not). Our love for them does not end or stop until OUR very last breath on Earth. Until then, we do the best we can to survive and embrace the wonderful things we do have within arms reach.
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