My Heart Breaks
Some days it doesn’t just break, it shatters, but most the time it breaks daily.
My heart breaks today for the Mama of “OL” who should be graduating from Kindy this year.
It shattered on May 9th when I lost a baby I didn’t even know I was carrying until it was too late. Not only have I made my husband part of an infertile couple but now have turned him into a loss dad.
This is the first of my losses that I decided to name. We chose Cthaeh Saed (pronounced kithayuh sigh-ed) Cthaeh is a faerie creature who lives in a tree and is heavily guarded for if anyone hears Cthaeh say even just one word all of existence could change. Saed is a spin on a character named Sazed who is a Keeper of all knowledge and who would fight and die to protect the knowledge he holds. The name means something to my husband and I and I love it.
My heart breaks as I write, I read, I work, I live, because I struggle to keep it all together. What do you do when your entire being wants to break apart? Society expects me to put that smile on my face and keep going, so I do.
My heart breaks because I was moving on to learn to be child free and now I don’t know what to do anymore. Trying to get pregnant hurts, not trying hurts, I can’t win unless there is a prize for walking in the revolving door of grief, anyone have that trophy to hand out? No? Well dang.
My heart breaks because I don’t want this to be real life. This is not something I caused yet I have no choice. When I actually let myself realize the reality my chest literally hurts, I struggle to breath. My soul just wants to finally give way and shatter. I always stop myself before I let it all go black and break. I fear that if I let it go I won’t ever be able to be put together again.