This father’s day has such special meaning and for several reasons. Of course, like the other twenty eight years of my life, I will again celebrate the impressible man that my very own father is to me and his family. Many tributes should be cast in his direction for an unrepeatable example of fatherhood. God has given my father and me an incredibly rich fellowship that continues to bring us both closer to the core of God’s presence and unity within the Trinity. I look forward to celebrating with my father today.
In the midst of celebrating my own father, I will be praising the Lord for His gift of making me a father. My son will be turning three this year and has been blessed with such a playful and joyful spirit that brings light into any situation. Whether jumping off of tall pillow towers in the house or chasing after bees in the backyard, he is the pure image of classic boyhood. Being a father to such a sweet natured and energetic little stinker feels like a miracle. I sometimes swell in tears of joy when sitting back and observing how awesome it is to be a father to my incredible son. I pray that his contagious spirit never fades and that God is able to use him in powerful ways to impact this world for Christ.
This year, my daughter will turn one. In fact, she will turn one on father’s day. What a gift! No dictation of any sorts can accurately portray the radiant colors displayed by her beautiful spirit, calming presence, and breathtaking smile. She is my precious princess and daily brings more and more pride to the seat of fatherhood. She is absolutely gorgeous! She is absolutely perfect. I could cuddle up under a blanket with her on my recliner for hours and experience nothing but love and peace. I am surely in love with her and have felt my heart swell yet again. No man will ever be good enough for my sweet darling. No man.
While my heart is full thinking and reflecting on these precious gifts, there are two other things that are on my mind. My wife and I were unfortunately faced with two miscarriages over the past several years and will forever hold each of these precious children in our hearts. While father’s day is by no means the only time of the year that I find myself missing the two children that we have lost, it sure has a way to stir up emotions.
I miss them greatly. My heart so desperately wants to see them and hold them and tell them that I love them. Always wondering what they would be like or look like, I find myself longing to be a father to two children that are not here with me. Somehow it feels like a piece of them is always with me, yet they are so far away. It is amazing how much love and connection I feel to these two children even though they were not even able to finish growing in the womb.
Our first miscarriage (which was our first pregnancy), we were unfortunately unable to see the fetus and this was very painful, especially for my wife. It is one thing to lose a child, but to never get a chance to touch them or at least look at them is a different story. We were so excited to begin the journey to parenthood and were already in love with our little peanut. Leaving the hospital without the person that God had given to us left us feeling victimized and stripped of our identity. Our child was no longer living and we were unable to help or do anything about it. I would give my life for the children that we have with us today and the same goes for the two that we have lost. To feel so helpless and empty was such a horrific scene.
Our second miscarriage came after our first born son. Even though we lost this child, we were given the chance to see and hold the fetus and will always have those precious moments engrained in our being. A local family owned funeral company graciously provided us with a free earn and tiny casket for our lifeless little gem. We were able to have so much closure through having a small burial where we placed the fetus along with notes from my wife and me to both of our lost children. While terribly sorrowful all of this was, we have been given so much peace after gaining so much closure.
So this father’s day is obviously going to be filled with a plethora of emotions, bright and sorrowful. The best news that brings hope and peace to it all is that God is never changing and always good and worthy of our praise. As a Christian, my hope is in God and even He has conquered death through Jesus dying on the cross. I cannot imagine where I would be without God in my life. The trials of grief and loss can be so detrimental to one’s spirit that without my faith things would look a lot darker and much more hopeless.
I hope that no matter where you are in your journey of grief and life after loss, that you are able to find peace and hope in the midst of it all. The pain and sadness will always have a way to periodically arrive at your front door, but the entirety of your life does not have to be painted by the darkened imagery of death. I pray that you will always find unique ways to honor and love you lost ones and that your life here on earth can become a reflection of something greater.
On this father’s day – I want to say to all four of my incredible children, Daddy loves you!
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