We all know that miscarriage is not widely talked about. Those of us grieving tend to seek out someone to talk to, some way to share our hearts and our feelings because that’s what you do when you’re grieving. The silence seems to come from other people, the uncomfortable cloud that appears when we start to talk about our cloud, often from someone who has not been through it.
If you look at society, it makes sense. We’re told before anything even happens to keep it in — not to tell anyone the news of our pregnancy until we’re past that risk of miscarriage. When it happens, we leave the doctor’s office with not even a pamphlet on what to expect during or after and when we try to share the news, we’re silenced again being told that it’s not a big deal, that it’s so common and that it just wasn’t meant to be.
No only does this society makeup hinder our grieving process, leave many feeling isolated and alone, it can create even more feelings that can complicate our healing and grief. It can also leave many other feelings for those who maybe aren’t so “common” when it comes to multiple miscarriage.
I have been through 12 miscarriages.
I have never been quiet in my experiences and will continue to share my feelings and story for many reasons, but more times than not, when someone finds out my number, whether that be a new doctor, ultrasound technician, new reader or friend — I am often met with one thing.
A gasp. A “what?” A confused look or a jaw drop.
I get it. It’s an overwhelming number. It’s not common, but it’s my story.
It’s hard enough to open up the grief, but when I am met with that shocked face or sound, it makes me want to curl into a ball. I’ve had ultrasound technicians spend 5 minutes saying “really? wow! 12! WOW” and doctors who look at me like I’ve made it up. I’ve had people tell me that it must have been a sign I should never have had children and look at me I had done something wrong.
These are very common reactions I’ve had to my uncommon number of miscarriages. I believe it stems from the silence society asks of us. The more we break that silence and push back against their desire to not talk about the “uglier emotions” in life, the more understanding there will be, the more empathy, and the more helpful support.
photo credit: adapted from rightee | Flickr