I wish…

Before I begin this post, please let me say that I believe in life after death, I believe in heaven and in Jesus with ALL of my heart and I believe that my sweet Matthew is in heaven and I will be with him again.

I now want to tell you a few things that I wish I didn’t think about…

I wish I didn’t think about my baby’s body being alone in the cemetery.  (I know “HE” isn’t there, but the last image I had of him was there, in that place beside the empty hole that would soon occupy his tiny body.)  That is what I SEE when I think of this!

I wish I didn’t think about the shovels and the dirt piling up on his tiny white “bed” on the worst day of my life, the day we said goodbye to him on earth.cemetery-article

I wish I didn’t think about what has happened to his body, his shell, his little white clothing that he had on.

I wish I didn’t feel the winter cold air and think of the cemetery each time.

I wish I didn’t know what the cemetery looks like as the sun is setting.

I wish it was never dark out there.

I wish I could dig my way to him and get him.  (once again, I know “HE” is not there!)

I wish that when I come to the stop sign and have the option to take a left to go to the cemetery or a right to go home, that my heart wouldn’t hurt so badly because I can’t be with him.  Especially at dark.  This is when that stop sign hurts so much.

I want to take a left all of the time!

I wish I didn’t know what this feels like and I wish all of you didn’t either.

I wish I had my son here.

I wish I could go to heaven today.

I wonder if any of you have these thoughts.  I wonder if any of you sit at the stop sign so long that cars behind you are frustrated and begin to honk their horn and instead of just turning, you want to get out of your car and scream at them all “my baby is dead and he is that way and I have to go this way!”  Anybody?  I wonder if any of you know the sting of your fist hitting the steering wheel as you scream out at God to take the pain away.  I wonder what it will feel like when this pain goes away.  Heaven, heaven is what it will feel like when this pain goes away.  I wish I could go to heaven today.

 





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    Lori Weatherly

    Lori Weatherly

    Lori loves to share her heart very candidly while maintaining the rawness of the journey of losing her son and overcoming physical obstacles along the way. She is the author of “Facets of Life; What I Didn’t Expect When I was Expecting.” You can find her book at loricweatherly.com and follow her blog here.

    March 21, 2013
    March 25, 2013

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