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A few weeks after my daughter died, a friend called, which was actually a rare occasion after I lost my daughter. He apprehensively asked how I was. He then proceeded to tell me he’d been waiting for the call in the middle of the night where I’d turned to the bottle and was at rock bottom. He’d been waiting for me to come to him at the end of my rope.
I was never a huge drinker, so it’s not like that was even a normal coping skill for me. He told me that’s what he’d do. I tried to explain to him that it probably wasn’t what he’d do.
I’ve had some dark moments since my daughter died. I’ve cried lots. I’ve barely gotten out of bed, but I haven’t been drunk since she died.
Sometimes people tell me that if they were in my shoes they just wouldn’t be able to go on or something along those lines. I understand that losing a child is the worst possible fear for most parents. I get that they think they wouldn’t be able to go on, but they would. It makes me feel bad, like they think I’m not sad enough or freaking out enough.
Other times the opposite happens, I once got word that at a party I wasn’t at, among people I actually barely knew, the conversation turned to me and why I wasn’t over it. This was within a year of my daughter’s death. They all gossiped about how I should be “moving on.”
I don’t use the word hate that much, but I hate that phrase. Moving on. My daughter died. I didn’t get dumped by a boyfriend or lose a job.
I got a bit angry when I heard a report of their conversation, but now I realize, they just don’t get it. You can’t understand what it’s like to lose a child until you’ve been here. I don’t wish this on anyone, so I’m glad they’re so clueless. I don’t care how other people think I’m coping. All that matters is that I’m okay with how I’m coping, and I am.
I have had my moments. Just last month I was in some serious mental health trouble.
As sad and awful as this is, my daughter’s life was beautiful. My daughter was beautiful. I cling to that.
While it’s a natural reaction to try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes when you hear about something, in this case, you can’t even begin to.
No, I didn’t have some late night crisis spinning out of control with a bottle of booze at my side, but yes, it’s still three years later and I’m not moving on.
But you know what?
I am still standing.
Photo from Flickr Creative Commons by Pete Anderson
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About Kristine
This says it so perfectly xxx
You’re so right. Before my son died, I always said that when I heard of other women losing their babies, “I could never cope with that, I’d never survive it,” but when you live it you have no choice. You just carry on, you cry, you grieve, and you don’t want to even get up in the morning, but you do. You somehow keep going and then people expect you to grieve for a few months and to just be “over” it. I’m not over it, I didn’t lose a dog or cat, I lost my son, I’ll always miss him. No one can ever understand that unless you live it.
“!No, I didn’t have some late night crisis spinning out of control with a bottle of booze at my side, but yes, it’s still three years later and I’m not moving on.
But you know what?
I am still standing.”
These statements sum it all up. Beautifully written! Thank you for sharing.
I absolutely love this post. Beautifully written, and so very true. I’m not moving on either – and I have no intention of ever doing so. If that makes other people uncomfortable, then that’s their problem – not mine. Thank you for sharing xx
Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. <3
Oh, thank you so much for this! You said it perfectly. Although I wish I didn’t get it either, I do
I agree with everyone, this is perfectly said. We’ve lost two baby boys, and when we decided to stop trying for the time period some people didn’t understand. They thought because we had put it on hold that we had given up on the idea… but it was more of letting us move past it further before we try again. For now we are going to focus on other parts of our lives and then eventually get back to the family thing. It’s scary and people don’t understand that.
Well said.
Side note, if our daughter lived she would have been 3 months old today she would still in the NICU though. My hubby came in from work and said, I was thinking today as I drove the Soldiers around that our twins would be born in a couple of weeks (were due on 29 Oct but would have done a C-section early), the sadness on his face made me feel so sad. I wish I would just heal his pain sometimes I feel as though he hurts more than I do.
I have not lost a child myself, But pretty close to it! My sister was pregnant with twins and my nephew was born brain dead, because his cord cut off his oxygen and he was on support for 10 days and then we said our goodbye’s!! I will take the image of his face, hands, and little feet to the grave with me!! I will never GET OVER the pain and the feeling of being cheated on knowing and watching my nephew grow! He was a guardian Angel the day he was born, He took care of his baby sister and she survived!! People don’t know until they dealt with something that is suposed to be the most happiest time of your life and bam in a blink of an eye, Your world was flipped!!!!!!! Prayers to all to be able to have peace……
This article was spot on. It’s the things those closest to us say that bother me the most. I lost my grandson at the hands of his father while my daughter was at school one day. He would have been 5 months old the next day. It hurt like nothing ever has. I hit rock bottom that night as I fell to my knees begging God to take me instead. I have hit rock bottom many times over the last few years. I will never “get over it”. I have had some friends who have never spoke to me again after finding out, I’ve had others from as far back as high school come out of the wood work to support me. But it was my mother-in-laws words that stung the worst. I ran into her in public about 6 mo after we lost my grandson and she politely asked how was I? I’m sure she didn’t want to really know and when i told her I was battling depression her words were “What do you have to be depressed about?” Taken aback I said “umm Christopher” Her response was “You need to just get over it” Seriously, how do you get over it? But the end of this article summed it up nicely, “I’m still standing”
I can completely relate to this! Not long after my daughter died, I blogged about people saying they could have survived it. And I said it feels like a kick in the teeth; that you can survive something they couldn’t because I didn’t love my daighter as much as they love theirs. And the backlash was huge. People were so offended! But it’s true and I’m glad I said it. When I was laying in the OR waiting to see if they could save my precious girl, I remember thinking ‘I can’t survive this.’ But I did because I had to. I’m not stronger than anyone else, I just had to survive the best way I could.