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About ten days ago, when I decided I was going to throw another article in this month, I already had the title in my head.
“Free.”
I had just found out that this last cycle…the one that was full of twist and turns, but ended with great embryos to transfer after all, failed.
I was not pregnant, and was not going to be anymore.
I could give away maternity clothes that have been out in my closet since we lost Trey in April. I could give away all the baby things in my garage…many originally bought for Matthew but still in amazing condition though thoroughly loved by Luke.
Heck, I could vacuum the house. I hadn’t really done that in two weeks, trying to gingerly do everything in order to give those three precious embryos a chance of safety and growth.
I was free. For the first time in almost 13 years, we were not saying, “What if I’m pregnant, though?” about an upcoming possible trip/event/time period.
We said, “What now?”
What in the world do we do now? Are we really, really sure we shouldn’t try again? We are in an amazing Shared Risk program with our clinic, and still have four more ‘tries’ before we have to give up, even though we’d decided before-hand that this was going to be our ”No Regrets” cycle and come what may, we were done with years and years of infertility treatments and loss.
We were just done. Done with heartache.
Not really, though. My heart still hurts. So, so much.
I thought there’d be a certain freedom that came with no longer revolving our lives around family-building efforts. Freedom to just enjoy Luke and all we have without the constant thoughts about if there are to be more. Freedom to plan and be a ‘normal’ family.
And that’s just not the case.
I’m not a ‘normal’ mother. I’m one who has wanted to mother several children, and never dreamed that I’d mourn the loss of more than half of them for the rest of my life.
We are not a ‘normal’ family. We are a family who shows its little boy how to blow kisses to his brother’s picture on the wall, and his brothers in Heaven, and will have to explain to him why we have so much of Matthew and so little of Trey.
I recognize normal is a relative word. Goodness knows I know that.
I just felt like finally coming to the place where we accepted that we will not be pregnant any more, and the babies we have, living and dead, are all we get would be easier because at least we’d be able to come to that acceptance without the taunting “what ifs?” plaguing us anymore.
It’s just a new genre of What If?
What IF we did one more anyway? I know the odds are very, very low… but what if?
Right before the pregnancy test, I was in my doctor’s office because I’d discovered a lump in my breast. My mother died of breast cancer and I was terrified that I was going to leave Luke motherless. I was terrified I might be pregnant and would have to face decisions that could risk his or her life or mine. Thankfully, it was truly nothing, but John said about the scare, “If that doesn’t cement that we should probably be done, I don’t know what does.”
I guess it does.
But no more What Ifs?
Just…
What now?
What now?
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About Lori Ennis
Oh, I understand this. Thanks for sharing.
Lori,
at six weeks I was huge paranoid and very scared for my peace of mind my ob scanned me at 6 weeks and to our amazement we were found to be carrying twins ! , it couldn’t happen again would it ? I was fitted with a cervical cerclage at 16 weeks but sadly again at 21 weeks my stitch broke and our twins passed away after nearly two hours old, I went through the worst time of my life for months after I felt like such a failure why would my body just do what it was supposed to do, a lot of the days blur into one I felt like that in one way or another I had failed all seven of my children in one way or another I was so low.. I woke up one morning and everything was so clear it was like after months of dark someone had switched on a light I spent all day looking back on all the research we had about our options any trials or new medical options being developed that was when I decided as we all know grief is different for everyone of us, and for the next step in my becoming the ‘new normal me’ was for me to rid my body of the thing that failed me ! we had many meetings with my ob and due to my history my psychological wellbeing and a permanent 100% promise of never going through that again he agreed to give me the surgery I am now 5 months post hysterectomy.
I too am on a similar road of what nows, and it sucks !
I have a difficult history that I sometimes think ‘normal’ women would not believe if it was a soap opera :/
I found my self an 18 year old single mum after leaving an abusive partner, I then met my husband and had our daughter at 34 weeks all well we then had our third daughter at 35 weeks I was group b strep positive she was well we then fell pregnant again at our 21 week scan we found out we were having a fourth daughter but sadly she had a condition called bilateral renal agenesis or potters syndrome his kidneys had failed to develop the condition is ‘ incompatible with life ‘ our daughter’ turned out to be our first son sadly he was born sleeping at 23 weeks, we decided to try again sadly our fourth daughter was born at 23 weeks and lived for only a few hours. by complete surprise we were blessed with another pregnancy don’t get me wrong we went in with ours eyes open after all when you lose a child all the glassy eyed dreamy innocence of pregnancy disappears
I am by no means advising people to do something as drastic as I did, it was simply what I needed to do at the time, I needed to regain control again, I couldn’t control what happened to me in our journey but I could control what happened next and do you know what we, my husband and three surviving daughters, are in the best place we have been for years, I am slowly coming round to this new normal.
I hope by reading my story you will see that you are not only grieving for what you have lost but also what you won’t have it’s normal to feel conflicted like this but one day soon your light will be switched on, you will get your day when you grab life again and say do you know what I’m calling the shots now and can start to live again you will come out the other side there you will be Still Standing.
Zoe x
Lori,
at six weeks I was huge paranoid and very scared for my peace of mind my ob scanned me at 6 weeks and to our amazement we were found to be carrying twins ! , it couldn’t happen again would it ? I was fitted with a cervical cerclage at 16 weeks but sadly again at 21 weeks my stitch broke and our twins passed away after nearly two hours old, I went through the worst time of my life for months after I felt like such a failure why would my body just do what it was supposed to do, a lot of the days blur into one I felt like that in one way or another I had failed all seven of my children in one way or another I was so low.. I woke up one morning and everything was so clear it was like after months of dark someone had switched on a light I spent all day looking back on all the research we had about our options any trials or new medical options being developed that was when I decided as we all know grief is different for everyone of us, and for the next step in my becoming the ‘new normal me’ was for me to rid my body of the thing that failed me ! we had many meetings with my ob and due to my history my psychological wellbeing and a permanent 100% promise of never going through that again he agreed to give me the surgery I am now 5 months post hysterectomy.
I too am on a similar road of what nows, and it sucks !
I have a difficult history that I sometimes think ‘normal’ women would not believe if it was a soap opera :/
I found my self an 18 year old single mum after leaving an abusive partner, I then met my husband and had our daughter at 34 weeks all well we then had our third daughter at 35 weeks I was group b strep positive she was well we then fell pregnant again at our 21 week scan we found out we were having a fourth daughter but sadly she had a condition called bilateral renal agenesis or potters syndrome his kidneys had failed to develop the condition is ‘ incompatible with life ‘ our daughter’ turned out to be our first son sadly he was born sleeping at 23 weeks, we decided to try again sadly our fourth daughter was born at 23 weeks and lived for only a few hours. by complete surprise we were blessed with another pregnancy don’t get me wrong we went in with ours eyes open after all when you lose a child all the glassy eyed dreamy innocence of pregnancy disappears
I am by no means advising people to do something as drastic as I did, it was simply what I needed to do at the time, I needed to regain control again, I couldn’t control what happened to me in our journey but I could control what happened next and do you know what we, my husband and three surviving daughters, are in the best place we have been for years, I am slowly coming round to this new normal.
I hope by reading my story you will see that this new normal gets easier, remember you are not only grieving for what you have lost but also what you won’t have it’s normal to feel conflicted like this but one day soon your light will be switched on, you will get your day when you grab life again and say do you know what I’m calling the shots now and can start to live again you will come out the other side there you will be Still Standing.
Zoe x
Thanks for sharing
Thank you for sharing your story. I will tell you the readers digest version of mine. We lost our baby girl in 2007 – 25 weeks gestation…she had a brain bleed and we took her off life support at 2 days old. My heart was broken (it still is really) and I was determined to try again. I yearned for her and another baby. Well, for the first time in my life (I have a 16 yr old son and have had a few early miscarriages), I could not conceive naturally. So we did IUIs…9 to be exact. Not one pregnancy. Then we did IVF…didn’t work. We froze 3 “poor” quality eggs, as the dr told us “there’s always hope.” After the failed IVF, $30,000 of our life savings and a year we decided that maybe adoption (from foster care) was what we were meant for. We spent almost a year going through the process and finally were certified. But the “what if” never went away…we knew we had to thaw those eggs and do a frozen cycle. We knew we’d never destroy the eggs in an effort to just move of, avoid MORE disappointment and save $5000 more dollars that we felt (obviously) was just like tossing it away. In Dec. of 2010, we did a frozen cycle and used all 3 eggs. I knew it wouldn’t work, I mean how could it when the 2 fresh eggs we used before were “great” quality and these were all poor? On xmas eve, our blood test came back positive. On 8/11/11, i had a healthy, beautiful full term baby boy. There is always hope…my hugs and prayers go out to you.