 |
If I could, I would go back in time. I would endure the sickness, the weakness and the worry. I would go through all the scans and invasive medical procedures. I would be given hope, then false hope, then no hope at all, all over again. I would struggle through the labor and the humiliation of my placenta not budging from my womb. I would birth you again, even if it meant that you were still dead. I would do all this just to feel you move again, just to see your face again, just to hold you in my arms again. Even if it was only for a day.
If I could go back in time, I would start at the beginning of your life. I would lap up every minute that you were wrapped up safe in my womb, alive and breathing. I would photograph my pregnancy with you. I would keep a diary. I would have a baby blessing and let more people come to our home to place their hands over you. To let them tell you how much they love you. I would ask for more ultrasound pictures and a recording of your beautiful heartbeat. I would ask your Nan to knit you a special blanket. I would allow your sister to come into the hospital to meet you. I would allow your family to come and hold you. I would pick up my camera. I would photograph you. I would ask the midwives to photograph you and I together, no, wait, I just would just call Heartfelt instead. I would whisper more love to you. I would take you outside into the garden, into the warm Summer air and sun light. I would take more of your hand and foot prints and a lock of your hair. I would hold you longer. Much longer. I would fully breathe you in.
If I could go back in time I would have been there when they burned your body down to ashes. We would have held your memorial service by candlelight at the beach just before sunrise. We would have played beautiful music and thrown hibiscus flowers when we scattered some of your ashes in the ocean. I would have found the courage to speak, to tell the world how much you meant to me.
If I could go back and endure the pain of your death and the sorrow of your loss, I would, because I would get experience the love that you gave me all over again, in its rawest, most beautiful form.
I would still choose you Christian, for you chose me, so therefore I would and will always choose you, my darling son.
|
About Carly
i have been thinking this exact post for so long, so many times over. i would do it all over again too. i wish i could.
As I relive the details of what is October 1995 every year, I realize over and over just how much my daughter gave to me even though she only lived for two days. How could I not do it all over again and miss out on her life, miss out on her spirit, miss out on her love.
Today a year ago, was my daughter julia’s due date, but she was born four months too soon. This was the perfect thing for me to read. Even with all the heartache I endured over my preterm labor and her being born sleeping, I’d do it all over again- a million times. Her life and birth have made me a better person. I miss her so very much and would give anything to have one more moment with her.
Tears, no words, just tears. You are a beautiful mumma inside and out and christian is one hell of a special boy. Loved and cherished by so many xoxoxo
Thank you for putting my feelings into words.
Absolutely beautiful post! And absolutely true! I would do it all over again
beautiful. And so true, utterly true. What I would give for just one more moment with my son, to just hold him one more time, even if it meant going through everything again.
This post is a beautiful truth.
This is beautiful, Carly. I would go through all of it again, every moment, every decision I made, every painful second, if I could just hold my sweet Clara in my arms again.
Absolutely gorgeous piece, dear Carly.
Beautiful, truthful, and so true! Thank you for putting your feelings into words
this is beautiful and thank u for sharing!! I would still choose Larissa a thousand times!!
This is so beautifully true.. I would do it all again, in a heartbeat. I would do it all differently, but I would do it again.
So beautifully said. I think that so many believe that all will go as planned and when it all ends, we think of how each second should have been spent surrounded by the joy of the precious little life growing inside the womb. Even to go back and relive the pain for the joy of holding our beloved babies one more time. Maybe a little longer, a little closer… I regret not taking a picture of me holding my sweet baby. But am thankful for her pictures and look at them several times a day. I cannot sleep without kissing her good night or get up without saying “good morning” and I tell her a hundred times a day how much I love her and wish she was here. At the time everything was so chaotic, there are so many things I wish I had done differently but no one can be prepared to lose the one they want the most.
As always, so so beautiful Carly. You say it so perfectly whether it be through words, photos, or a simple sunset. Thank you for continuing to share so much because I find strength through you each and every time.
This mirrors how I often feel. I never wish that my first son never existed. But I do wish I could live it again, feel him move before and after we found out that he was not going to survive. I wish I had held him longer after he was born, let his sister see and hold him, have some sort of service, take a picture of us together. We lost Andrew April 4, 2006. A day doesn’t pass that I don’t miss him. Thank you for putting to words what so many of us feel. It helps to know that others understand.
Thanks so much for posting. Wow. You said it. My son Adam died early in 2007 at 29 weeks gestation. I never had the heart to hold him (though his grandparents did) and I only did a memorial service months later…I was so completely lost back then. I definitely would still choose my son though, the only one I ended up having.
I would do exactly the same.
I would go back, a million times, to do it all the same, just to have you once again.
Beautiful
oh yes. oh yes…
Beautiful Carly. Thinking of you and your dear Christian.
And your hand was the hand that I wrote about in my previous article. The hand that reached out. Thank you my dear. You are a treasure. To me and to innumerable others xo
Beautiful words and so very true. Thank you.
Oh Carly. Oh I relate to this so much. Just after Jordan’s loss, and even for the first year I don’t think I would have said that I’d do it again… It was so very very hard. But now… Now I see the profound affect she has had on my life, the amazing lessons I have learned because of her. I would go back and do it all again… and hold her so much tighter and so much longer and not worry about the future, just marvel in the now. And yes, like you, I would choose to be there when she was cremated. That is a regret I will always carry.
Much love to you. xx
This is exactly how I feel everyday I miss my son so much it hurts. Hic name was Christian also and I feel as though my heart has been ripped from my chest
thank you for writing this, I keep reading it over and over again and cant stop crying. I feel the exact same way about my son Alexander… i know its futile to think about but i wish had I known he would only be here for 10 short days… I just wish i had appreciated and burned in my memory every little moment when he was safe inside me.