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Guest Post by April
I know what it feels like to try month after month to get pregnant with no luck, feeling like my biggest hopes and dreams will never come true.
I know what it feels like to go through fertility treatments, forever hopeful and perpetually let down by unsuccessful rounds.
I know what it feels like to sit in awe and disbelief as our dreams came true and we received confirmation that we were pregnant!
I know what it feels like to find out that our sweet blessing was multiplied as we learned of the two lives growing within me.
I know what it feels like to feel totally blessed and overwhelmed and scared all at the same time.
I know what it feels like to have my uterus grow at rapid pace and feel like I had butterflies flying in my womb.
I know what it feels like to have contractions far too early and pray that it was not time.
I know what it feels like to be told that I am not having contractions while my body is telling me differently.
I know what it feels like to be told that I am starting to dilate.
I know what it feels like to be deceived by my body.
I know what it feels like to be told that my babies could not be born or they would not survive.
I know what it feels like to pray for a miracle.
I know what it feels like to be dilated to 10 and not want to push.
I know what it feels like to succumb to my body’s need to push while my heart and mind are begging me to stop.
I know what it feels like to break my bag of waters and force my baby boy and my baby girl from their safe place.
I know what it feels like to fall in love at first sight.
I know what it feels like to hold my future in my arms.
I know what it feels like to name children that will never speak their names.
I know what it feels like to watch my babies drift away…
I know what it feels like to watch my husband’s heart break into a million tiny pieces.
I know what it feels like to wish it was me instead.
I know what it feels like to hear my babies pronounced dead.
I know what it feels like to fail as a mother and as a wife.
I know what it feels like to pick out the “perfect urn,” like there could ever be such a thing.
I know what it feels like to plan a memorial for my sweet babies.
I know what it feels like to be surrounded by love and feel utterly alone.
I know what it feels like to be helpless and hopeless.
I know what it feels like to need more than I will ever get.
I know what it feels like to watch my husband suffer and not be able to do anything about it.
I know what it feels like to discuss death with children and try to smile when all I want to do is collapse and cry.
I know what it feels like to cry regularly and know that “normal” is no longer an option for us.
I know what it feels like to wonder “What’s next?”
I know what it feels like to feel guilty for wondering “What’s next?”
One day, I hope I know what it feels like to hold a rainbow in my arms and never let go.
Georgie and Julianna, Mommy loves you and misses you so very much.
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beautifully heartbreaking, I read along with tears streaming as I too know what it feels like today is what would of been my Aimee n finleys second birthday they are our sixth and seventh children, our third and fourth loss.
peace be with you as you to remember your twins.
April I am so sorry for the tremendous loss of your twins. My son and “daughter” lost a “miracle” baby at 21 weeks. She was born alive but as you know could not survive. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Your feelings are normal. I see it in the faces of my children. They are now seeking help to try to conceive again. The statistics are not very promising. Hold onto the love you feel for your precious babies and your husband. I will pray that you will get your rainbow baby as I pray that my son and “daughter get theirs. Your post was very touching as I could relate to each line. I know sadly other women and men can too. God bless and don’t give up hope!
“Empty Arms Gramma” here feeling your pain thru my daughter, who lost both of her babies.
{{{Hugs}}}
Just big hugs to you.
With every angel that drifts away, my heart breaks again and again for the beautiful mother
that whispers good-bye. I watched my daughter let her tiny daughter go. And though after 4 months she brought her angel’s little sister home, there is no degree of loss when a baby is gone.
Please try to accept you are guilty of nothing. But take comfort in knowing you love your babies beyond reason
and would have done anything to keep them safe. I so hope you are blessed with your ‘rainbow’ soon.
And i hope he or she will someday know of her tiny brother and sister watching over his or her life.
I am so sorry for your loss…but your words are powerful and poignant. Good luck!
Wow, I felt as if I wrote this myself, I was tearing up this is all so true, I lost boy/girl twins too. Our son came way to early and I prayed for a miracle adn then when our daughter who hung of for a while was coming I didn’t want to push either and prayed more than I every did in my life. As she layed in the NICU we prayed even harder and we still lost her. I too see my hubby’s heart break in a million pieces.
April thanks for your words very very very touching. Good luck in whatevr path you take next